~~ Retrospection ~~

Last night was one of those times. It had been a long day, and I was feeling the wear and tear. As I was barely into the lesson, I knew I wasn’t ready. Maybe I wasn’t prayed up. Maybe it really was just a long day. Or, just maybe, my old enemy was making a sneak attack when I wasn’t looking. Sadly, I believe that was the case. My guard was down, and Satan saw his chance. I missed life.

I have struggled with anxiety for many years, and for many years, I have allowed it to win. I haven’t accepted opportunities that I wanted to because I feared the panic and insecurity that would often accompany these occasions. As I stood or sat before a group with all eyes on me, the panic would randomly rear up, stealing my breath away and causing me to feel the shame of once again giving into fear. I figured my best option was to avoid the possibility by avoiding going out, meeting people or facilitating. I was wrong or was I not....?

As I’ve retrospected and thought about my future, I have noticed an interesting phrase—one that reappears in my life. I recall one anecdote. In numbers and again in Judges, the people of Israel were warned against allowing other nations to remain in their midst. They were commanded to destroy all of the inhabitants of the Promised Land, but they failed to do so on many occasions. They bent the rules here. They made exceptions there. And before they knew it, the land was peppered with idolaters—“thorns in their sides” that blinded them in their relationship with the Lord and ensnared them with other gods.

As I read the words, “thorns in your sides,” I thought of my-unfortunate-self. This was the verse most familiar to me, but now I wondered what they had meant about the “thorn in the flesh.” What had caused them to choose these words? The thorns in these other verses were there because of the Israelites own failures to obey God’s instructions. Was this the case for me? Was it something I had brought upon myself? I wondered.
“Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses.” Perhaps I could come to believe that someday...

No one really knows what turmoil ransacked me within. All I know is that it was something that caused him to recognize my own weakness and that I called it a gift given to me to keep me from exalting myself, from the idolatry of self-worship. Although this “thorn” was a “messenger of Satan,” it was backward blessing. Because this thorn forced me to see this weakness, I learned that God’s grace was sufficient and that the Lord’s power would be perfected through this very weakness. Unbelievably, I realized that ultimately this weakness pleased me because it pointed to the working of destiny in my life.

How did that happen? How did this thorn become a blessing? Could I ever really beat it? I think the answer is yes and no. I doubt that I can ever lose this thorn. It remained throughout my fading memory as a reminder; however, could I really let it beat me? No! I didn’t let it shame me into quitting. I didn’t use it as an excuse when faced with difficulties.

Yes, the message is clear as is the choice I face. I could retreat once again from situations that cause me to choke on my own words or I can say, “When I am weak, then I am forced to portray strong!”

I see the choice. I can’t say I’m there yet; but, at least I am looking in the right direction thankful for the grace that is always sufficiently scarce for me....