~~ Kaali akshar bhains baraabar ~~

On a hilarious note…..”Kaali akshar bhains baraabar”…..just like all of a sudden every talk seems incomprehensible like someone starts explaining in Hebrew or German…..
Anyways...
Cheers everyone. Happy non-perceptiveness…
Trust me.....sometimes ignorance is better than awareness... :)
Happy learning the new "BHAINS" version.....

~~ Peeping through a woman’s heart ~~

Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated, are dating or haven't dated at all. It isn't about who you've kissed, what sport you play, or which guy likes you, or whom you have crush on. It's not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin or where you live or go to school. In fact, it's not about grades, money, clothes or colleges that accept you or not.

Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or not accepted you are.

Life just isn't about that. But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust, happiness and compassion. It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love.

Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance and building confidence. It's about what you say and what you mean. It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have.

Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else's in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise.

These choices are what a woman’s life is about.

We wonder if they can peep through our hearts…and see
Our woven dreams that emanate through,
The sparkle in our eyes,
Natural swing in our walk,
We are a joy to watch,
Our radiating excitement…
We just wonder if others see us other than a mere "THING", or through some other glass than LUST.

We need no latest fashion,
No expensive haircuts,
No binding big accessories.
We glow in our passions,
Passionate in our pursuits,
An inspiration to others,
For unconditional and undemanding love,
Our pure soul an endless marvel,
We are beautiful, gorgeous and stunning woman,
We want to let our brilliance shine through,
Coz our eyes speak of true inner beauty...
And we wish to celebrate womanhood everyday…

I just wish everyone could peep through a woman’s heart through the same glass that we woman see through…

~~ Yet another day… ~~

Another day goes passing by...
I sit alone and wonder why.
Sometimes it's hard, but I will try
To live my life without you.

You're in my heart, you're in my dreams.
You're everywhere or so it seems.
So many times I've heard that song.
Hold back the tears, pretend you're strong.

Another day goes slowly by.
I sit alone and wonder why.
I think of you, I start to cry.
Nothing's the same without you.

Another time, another place.
The sweetness of our last embrace.
What would I give to see your face?
Nothing's the same without you.

This yearning in my heart.
This confusion in my mind.
The words left unspoken.
Haunts me all the time.

Every day I watch pass by.
With an emptiness in my life.
And a hole in my heart.
Where only you belong.

There are nights I wake up crying.
And wishing you were here.
To hold me in your arms.
And kiss away my tears.

There is something that keeps me holding on...
What I'll never know.
But one day things will go my way.
And I might have you in my arms…

~~ Phenomenal concurrence ~~

I was asked the other day if I believed in coincidences. I said that, "No I don't believe that there are any coincidences in this life. I do believe that there are miracles in this life, however. I still wait to see some proof of them every day."

Do you know? Did you ever think like this? "Del" is the unit of measurement of pain. A human body can bear only upto 45 Del (unit) of pain. But at the time of giving birth, a woman feels upto 57 Del of Pain. This is similar to 20 bones getting fractured at a time!!!! Do you think this is just a coincidence or an example of miracle?

Just look at the world around us. Is it a coincidence that the sun rose so beautifully today that it filled countless hearts and souls with wonder, love, peace, and joy? It seemed more like a miracle to me. Is it a coincidence that life developed so intelligently and perfectly on this world? Is it coincidences that birds know to fly south each winter that the seasons change and flowers bloom each spring, and that thousands upon thousands of different plants and animals live, grow, and thrive here? It seems to me more like a hundred million miracles created by a glorious, joyous mind and a loving hand.

Look at your own lives as well. Is it a coincidence that you accidentally walked into the wrong room and met the person who changed your life and blessed you with love? Is it a coincidence that you followed a silent urge to turn off the road before you had to and later learned you avoided a deadly accident because of it? Is it a coincidence that you were on the verge of despair and then heard a song, or read a line, or got a call that lifted your spirits and strengthened your soul once again? Are they all coincidences or are they all little miracles created by God and His angels to guide you, protect you and help you to ever greater love, joy, and goodness in your life?

Embrace the miracles in your life then. Embrace the miracle of life. Rejoice in these miracles and use them to choose and share ever more love and joy with others. Celebrate in the knowledge that you are loved, cared for, and watched over by God and always remember that Life is full of Miracles not coincidences.

Oprah Winfrey once said, “Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you need is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

“A plum once said, 'just because a banana lover came by, I converted myself into a banana.
Unfortunately, his taste changed after a few months and so I became an orange.
When he said I was bitter I became an apple, but he went in search of grapes.
Yielding to the opinions of so many people, I have changed so many times that I no more know who I am. How I wish I had remained a plum and waited for a plum lover.”

Just because a group of people do not accept you as you are, there is no necessity for you to strip yourself off your originality.
I guess we need to think Good of ourselves, for the world takes us at our own estimate.
I guess we should never stoop down in order to gain recognition.
I guess we should never let go of our true self to win a relationship.
In the long run, we will regret that we traded our greatest Glory - our uniqueness, for momentary validation.
The group that does not accept me as ME is not MY world.

There is a world for each one of us, where we shall reign as king /queen by just being ourselves.
So should we find that world... or that world will find US. Is it some part of coincidence or miracle?

What water can do, gasoline cannot and what copper can, gold cannot.
The fragility of the ant enables it to move and the rigidity of the tree enables it to stay rooted.
Everything and everybody has been designed with a Proportion of uniqueness to serve a purpose that we can fulfill only by being our unique self.

You as you alone can serve your purpose and I as I Alone can serve my purpose... You are here to be you... Just YOU. So let us be the best we can be. Its neither miracle nor coincidence.

I sometimes ponder that in the history of the universe, there has been nobody like me and to the infinity of time to come, there will be no one like me…I mean distinctiveness and not greatness.
Perhaps everyone has a unique mould and it is broken after one is made, so that another of one’s kind will never get repeated.

We all are original. Everyone is rare. Everyone is unique. Everyone is a wonder. Everyone is a masterpiece. .. Everyone is Master's piece. So I think we should celebrate our Uniqueness."

When the apostle James wrote to the members of the early Christian church that they should "count it all joy," he had a good reason for doing so. He understood, as did Benjamin Franklin nearly 2000 years later, that life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it. And when you take life as a blessing, it tends to become one.

Between the quote marks of our lives are phrases like these: "When things slow down...when I finish my degree...when I get certified...as I acquire a deeper knowledge base...when I have kids...when the kids are grown...when I get well...when I marry...when I divorce...when I retire...when I get that promotion, that raise, that job, that house, that whatever the fill-in-the blank is for your specific postponing of life..."

You may think you are postponing the longing of your soul until life aligns itself with your vision, until elements conspire to be more favorable...but as it happens, life just lolls along at the same remarkable consistent and disinterested cadence. Life is impartial. YOUR personal, subjective life (dreams, satisfactions, contentment, achievements, vision, fullness, passion, aspirations) begins when you begin.

From my teens into adulthood, I said, "I want to be an artist." One day I changed the sentence to, "I am an artist." My view changed. Life began. I looked behind me and saw that I had been accidentally living as an artist. I had been laying down a path that was only now visible to eyes that had begun to see. Beginning my life as an artist made my heart's longing and the small, tentative labors of my hands - visible and tangible. I began by opening the door and simply believing that I could live my dream. I began living that dream by seeing that I could.

Even those experiences we deem calamitous can carry the seeds of a great blessing. It is often only in retrospect, however, that the benefit reveals itself. And whether or not it reveals itself and how quickly it does so, is dependent upon only one thing,” our own individual perspective”. We determine whether something will be a blessing or a curse by the way we choose to see it. Life is an ongoing process, and most of us meet something at almost every turn we wish were different. But just because something is not turning out the way we want, doesn't mean it won't ever. It’s just a matter of time.

And when we insist on calling it good, when we make up our minds that no matter what, we're going to see it as a blessing, then our minds start working overtime to prove us right (ironically at times it works otherwise). Magical things tend to happen and that which we labeled a blessing, more often than not, turns out to be one... You have a mind that always tries to be right about everything so you might as well use it to your advantage. Become a hunter of blessings, actively seeking them out in every experience and person you encounter. No matter how bad a situation or person might seem, tell yourself and mean it, "There's a blessing in this, and I will find it!" (I am trying hard to do that nowadays…convincing that it’s a blessing in disguise, no matter what.)

I heard that your subconscious will accept this statement that "There's a blessing in this, and I will find it!" as a direct order and, if necessary, move heaven and earth to make certain the blessing is found. Follow this regimen for a while and you may very well discover that you've poked a hole in every problem and send every misery packing. Problems and miseries don't tend to stay in an atmosphere of blessings for very long.

Your purpose, that thing that among the many to-dos of your days, is what you must do. I am trying hard to embrace the truth of my purpose each minute of my precious life...for how very true it is that life begins when I wish to.

If you would dream it - BEGIN it.
If you have an idea - OPEN it.
If there is longing - ACKNOWLEDGE it.
If there is mission - COMMIT it.
If there is daring - DO it.
If there is love - EXPRESS it.
If there is resource - USE it.
If there is abundance - SHARE it.

So the next time a difficulty arises, I won't let myself get tied up in knots. I’ll take a deep breath and relax. I have nothing to worry about. Perhaps that difficulty is nothing more than a signal that a blessing is on its way. And as I start looking for the blessing, everything else will fade away. Coz my Life begins when I will decide to give it a chance.

Nearly everyone postpones one grand thing or a collection of mighty hopes and dreams. I am ME, my own self. I won’t change for others, for this is NOT even their world. Perhaps sometimes its miracle and sometimes it’s just a coincidence....and sometimes its just...

~~ Nothing Unsurpassing than a Kiss in the Rain ~~

I recall sitting on the front steps
Feeling the softness of a warm summer rain
I see the reflections of my mind
All the sadness all the pain

Visions of yesterday,
How fast they slip away
And though my dreams have come and gone

With one wish I can say:
And if you wouldn't mind:
Kiss me in the rain, and make me feel like a child again
Bring back all those memories

Nothing compares to a kiss in the rain,
The only true thing that never fails to ease my pain,
Tears from the stormy skies,
Fall down into mine.

I look up to you perfectly beautiful face,
All the memories of us cloud my mind,
The times when life was a ferocious hurricane,
The bewilderment never parted my world.

You smile, pure love surges through me,
Happiness consumes my soul,
My body trembles with feelings unknown,
Then our lips finally meet.

The clouds of darkness leave my world,
The precious sun brings life to me.
I pull away and look you in the eyes,
I know I can't live without you.

With the feeling that I get,
I don't even mind if we get drenched
And if I drift outside myself
Please don't turn away

I'm searching for the innocence
I've lost along the way
Come join me in my fantasy
Step out of space and time

Nothing compares to a kiss in the rain,
Your the only true thing that never fails to ease my pain,
And when the next storm comes, it's time we start this all again.

Coz, there's only one thing left to do
With the feeling that I am left with,
Drench myself in rain in your sweet memory…

When love comes around it's important you can do anything with that other person without being embarrassed, that you can talk about everything, be honest with each other and don't care about how awed and jealous other people are; and what the heck they say and whisper at your back....

~~ Tête-à-tête ~~

God and I in space alone . . .
and nobody else in view . . .

"And where are all the people, Oh Lord" I said,
"the earth below
and the sky overhead
and the dead that I once knew?"

"That was a dream," God smiled
and said, "The dream that seemed to
be true; there were no people
living or dead; there was no earth,
and no sky overhead,
there was only myself in you.”
“My child, sense the pulse and full splendor of womanhood
Anointed of grace
Sometimes wearing entrapment like adornments
Hearts full of special places
Awaiting to be filled, refilled, refined, re-defined
Aligning with the woman within
Draped in the pureness of love
Draped like universal deities on our seemingly frail, yet strong bodies”

"Then why do I feel this horrifying fear?" I asked,
"Meeting you here in this way?
For I have sinned, I know full well
and is there heaven and is there hell,
and is this the Judgment Day?"

"Nay, those were but dreams"
Inherent to our spirit, we birth songs of pain
Strengths of nations yoke us
For you are the vessel of man
Never marred
Natures' marvels, embedded in our souls
Gentle and sometimes torrent
A bird's chirp
A spring rain
The crackling bolt of lightening
The roar of thunder
Knowing that in seasons, torrents will subside
Knowing that in seasons, peace in womanhood
Will reign forever as treasured adornments.”

The Great God said, "Dreams that have ceased to be.
There are no such things as fear and sin;
there is no you . . . you never have been.
There is nothing at all... but me."

~~ Unsympathetic Reality ~~

Here was a man who now for the first time found himself looking into the eyes of death--who was passing through one of those rare moments of experience when we feel the truth of a commonplace, which is as different from what we call knowing it, as the vision of waters upon the earth is different from the delirious vision of the water which cannot be had to cool the burning tongue. When the commonplace 'We must all die' transforms itself suddenly into the acute consciousness 'I must die--and soon,' then death grapples us, and his fingers are cruel; afterwards, he may come to fold us in his arms as our mother did, and our last moment of dim earthly discerning may be like the first.

Those who think about death, carrying with them their existing ideas and emotions, usually assume that they will have, during their last hours, ideas and emotions of like vividness ... but they do not fully recognize the implication that the feeling faculty, too, is almost gone. The imagination, the state to be one in which they can have emotions such as they now have on contemplating the cessation of life. But at the last all the mental powers simultaneously ebb, as do the bodily powers, and with them goes the capacity for emotion in general. It is, indeed, possible that in its last stages consciousness is occupied by a not pleasurable sense of rest.

It seems a strange and repugnant conclusion that with the cessation of consciousness at death, there ceases to be any knowledge of having existed. With his last breath it becomes to each the same thing as though he had never lived. And then the consciousness itself -- what is it during the time that it continues? And what becomes of it when it ends? We can only infer that it is a specialized and individualized form of that Infinite and Eternal Energy which transcends both our knowledge and our imagination; and that at death its elements lapse into the Infinite and Eternal Energy whence they were derived.

When a house has just lost its soul, a stricken silence falls over the sudden emptiness that no one will fill again. And all the noises that may be made later in that house will be like a scandalous din, ugly echoes from one room to another, from one corridor to another, sharp and discordant as if the walls are no longer able to absorb any music once the source of harmony has been taken away. But this strange detail about the power of death can only be picked up by ears that are very attentive to the smallest murmurs of life. Rational people go through these empty spaces with the serenity of a lawyer, and their indulgent smiles categorize you if you decide to point out in their presence that there is something lacking in the atmosphere.

For death is but a passing phase of Life;
A change of dress, a disrobing;
A birth into the unborn again;
A commencing where we ended;
A starting where we stopped to rest;
A crossroad of Eternity;
A giving up of something, to unpossess all things.
The end of the unreal…and the beginning of the real.

How dreadful is the prospect of death, at the remotest distance! How the smallest apprehensions of it can pall the most cheerful, airy and brisk spirits! Even I, who thought I could have been merry in sight of my coffin, and drink a health with the sexton in my own grave, now tremble at the least envoy of the king of terrors. To see but the shaking of my glass makes me turn pale ... all the jollity of my humor and conversation is turned on a sudden into chagrin and melancholy, black as despair, and gloomy as the grave.

One regret dear world, that I am determined not to have when I am lying on my deathbed is that I did not kiss life enough.

I pass and leave life lying. No need for rhetoric, for funeral music, for melancholy bugle-calls. No need for tears now, no need for regret.

I took my risk with life; I die and give up life. I take life’s noble gift; salute for the last time those lines of pitiable crosses, those solitary mounds, those unknown graves, and turn to live our lives out as we may.
Which of us were fortunate -- who can tell? For you there is silence and cold twilight drooping in awful desolation over those motionless lands. For us sunlight and the sound of women's voices, song and hope and laughter, despair, gaiety, love -- life.
Lost terrible silent comrades, we, who might have died, salute life.

I think I should look forward to death more than I do. Of course everybody hates to go to bed or miss anything but dying is really the only chance we'll get to rest.

Once you accept your own death, all of a sudden you're free to live. You no longer care about your reputation. You no longer care except so far as your life can be used tactically to promote a cause you believe in.

'Cause I swear that I'm dying, slowly but its happening.”

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and bloody, reckless betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book (Why should you live, for instance), or you take a trip, or you talk with your inner self, and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. Some work in offices. Some drive a car. Some picnic with their families. Some marry and raise children. Some don’t do any of this. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from hibernation-aka-existing.

And now the end is near
And so I face the final curtain,
My friends, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case of which I'm certain.
I've lived a life that's full, I have not travelled each and every highway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way...

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.
Life is unreal! Life is frivolous!
And the grave is its goal;
Dust you art; to dust you return,
Was not spoken of the soul.

My life closed once before its close;
It yet remains to see
If immortality unveils
A second event to me,
So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell or heaven…..who cares?

Death is a Dialogue between
The Spirit and the Dust.
"Dissolve" says Death.
The Spirit "Sir, I have another Trust"

Death doubts it—argues from the Ground
The Spirit turns away
Just laying off for evidence
With just an overcoat of clay.

~~ Winds of Time ~~

I called to the wind of the winter,
As he sped like a steed on his way,
Please rest for awhile on your journey,
And answer these questions, I pray.

Who is the foe to all virtue?
Who is the chieftain of crime?
Who blackens the forehead of beauty?
And cheats the finger of time?
Who makes the heart to be aged?
In the beautiful morning of youth?
Who is the herald of sorrow?
And who the assassin of Truth?
Who is the help-meet of Satan?
The agent of regions below?
Who the promoter of vices?
Who loads the bosom with woe?
Who embezzles the strength of the mighty?
Who steals the wits of the wise?
Who makes the good and the noble?
A thing that the meanest despise?

And the wind of the wild winter answered,
In a voice like a clarion call:
''It’s a beast legion-headed, a demon
They are Men,
They help-meet that Satan
Sends out from the kingdom of hell,
A many-faced demon, who do
The work of the master right well;
For he weaves his web round the noble,
And slays the soul with his breath.
Ah! It’s the man…the foe to all virtue,
And this is the agent of death.”

~~ Death ~~

Today lets talk about a much avoided topic "DEATH". Lets take death for example. Death is terrifying because it is so ordinary. It happens all the time. A great deal of our effort goes into avoiding it. While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die. We make extraordinary efforts to delay it and often consider its intrusion a tragic event. Yet we'd find it hard to live without it. Years, following years, steal something every day; at last they steal us from ourselves away. Death gives meaning to our lives. It gives importance and value to time. Time would become meaningless if there were too much of it. If death were indefinitely put off, the human psyche would end up, well, like the gambler in the "Twilight Zone" episode.

One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching. One can survive everything nowadays, except death, and live down anything, except a good reputation. We all die. The goal isn't to live forever; the goal is to create something that will live after you are gone. When I die I shall be content to vanish into nothingness.... No show, however good, could conceivably be good forever.... I do not believe in immortality, and have no desire for it. I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay deceased that scares the shit out of me.

Morn after morn dispels the dark,
Bearing our lives away;
Absorbed in cares we fail to mark
How swift our years decay;
Some maddening draught hath drugged our souls,
In love with vital breath,
Which still the same sad chart unrolls,
Birth, aging, disease, and death…

Since the day of my birth, my death began its walk.
It is walking toward me, without hurrying.
I feel no pain dear mother now,
But oh, I am so dry!
I pray, take me to a wild,
And leave me there to die…

When one by one our ties are torn,
And friend from friend is snatched forlorn;
When soul is left alone to mourn,
Oh! Then how sweet it is to die…

Name me no names for my disease,
With un-informing breath;
I tell you I am none of these,
But homesick unto death…

Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it has to come.

You can shed tears once I am gone,
Or you can smile because I have lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that I'll come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all I have left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see me,
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember me only that I am gone,
Or you can cherish my memories and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
Be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what I'd want:
Smile, open your eyes, love and move on....

I was once told, A person starts dying when they stop dreaming. Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.”

I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?" Why did I cause so much pain? Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness? Can't I see how we're all manifestations of love? I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong. We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. And God says, "No, that's not right." Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything.”

Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever.

I heard somewhere that when you're dead, they really fix you up. I hope to hell when I do die somebody has sense enough to just dump me in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a goddam cemetery. People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday, and all that crap. Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody...

They tell us that suicide is the greatest piece of cowardice... that suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person
Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."
A dying peraon needs to die, as a sleepy person needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist.

A person dies ... only a few ripples in the water prove that once he was there. And even they quickly disappear. And when they're gone, she's forgotten, without a trace, as if she'd never even existed. And that's all...

~~ Woman ~~

She must be honest, both in thought and deed,
Of generous impulse, and above all greed;
Not seeking praise, or place, or power, or pelf,
But life’s best blessings for her higher self,
Which means the best for all.

She must have faith,
To make good friends of “Trouble”, “Pain”, and “Death”,
And understand their message.
She should be
As redolent with tender sympathy
As a rose is with fragrance.

Cheerfulness should be her mantle,
Even though her dress
May be of “Sorrow’s” weaving.
On her face
A loyal nature leaves its Seal of grace,
And chastity is in her atmosphere.

Not that chill chastity which seems austere
Like untrod snow-peaks, lovely to behold
Till once attained – then barren, loveless, cold…
But the white flame that feeds upon the soul
And lights the pathway to a peaceful aspiration.

A sense of humor, and a touch of mirth,
To brighten up the shadowy spots of earth;
And pride that passes evil – choosing well.
All these unite in perfect womanhood.
A woman is a strong power of force.

She gathers strength from many a source
She has to cope with frowns and stares
And act as if she never cares.
The roles that life gave her to play
Demands of her both night and day.

A word of depth is what she needs,
Not just a man to buy the feeds.
She wants some way to be a friend,
But lust destroys this in the end.
For man with much a roving eye
Who has no insight, passes by

She can’t be meddling nor a mistress and absolutely not mannerless;
Plenty of goodness scant,
She dare not be reckless:
To praise her dexterity is needless;
As well borne as she is full of what destiny pleads.

She should be coy and never a hint of scorn.
Though angelic be your smiling,
Yet is your tongue behind a gagged throat,,
Silently bursting like a scorpion stinging
But you can trust, not a word of complain ere she dies.

Her key is meet for every lock,
Her key is common and the weakest spot;
Her key is ready, we need not knock, if she loves.
She won’t stand long wresting for whom she trust;
She’d hold her tongue even if slaughtered…

She is woman
A daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a lover, a secret keeper…
The youthful girl is gone
A woman is born with unfulfilling desires
A woman with fruitless needs
And not every man is enough to satisfy her…

Womanhood is human
So called "God's most precious creation"
Not a slave
Whipping life from nature, drop by drop
And grow comprehending the meaning of care

And instructing which feelings have to breathe out
As values of eternal and unfathomable love...

~~ Retrospection ~~

Last night was one of those times. It had been a long day, and I was feeling the wear and tear. As I was barely into the lesson, I knew I wasn’t ready. Maybe I wasn’t prayed up. Maybe it really was just a long day. Or, just maybe, my old enemy was making a sneak attack when I wasn’t looking. Sadly, I believe that was the case. My guard was down, and Satan saw his chance. I missed life.

I have struggled with anxiety for many years, and for many years, I have allowed it to win. I haven’t accepted opportunities that I wanted to because I feared the panic and insecurity that would often accompany these occasions. As I stood or sat before a group with all eyes on me, the panic would randomly rear up, stealing my breath away and causing me to feel the shame of once again giving into fear. I figured my best option was to avoid the possibility by avoiding going out, meeting people or facilitating. I was wrong or was I not....?

As I’ve retrospected and thought about my future, I have noticed an interesting phrase—one that reappears in my life. I recall one anecdote. In numbers and again in Judges, the people of Israel were warned against allowing other nations to remain in their midst. They were commanded to destroy all of the inhabitants of the Promised Land, but they failed to do so on many occasions. They bent the rules here. They made exceptions there. And before they knew it, the land was peppered with idolaters—“thorns in their sides” that blinded them in their relationship with the Lord and ensnared them with other gods.

As I read the words, “thorns in your sides,” I thought of my-unfortunate-self. This was the verse most familiar to me, but now I wondered what they had meant about the “thorn in the flesh.” What had caused them to choose these words? The thorns in these other verses were there because of the Israelites own failures to obey God’s instructions. Was this the case for me? Was it something I had brought upon myself? I wondered.
“Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses.” Perhaps I could come to believe that someday...

No one really knows what turmoil ransacked me within. All I know is that it was something that caused him to recognize my own weakness and that I called it a gift given to me to keep me from exalting myself, from the idolatry of self-worship. Although this “thorn” was a “messenger of Satan,” it was backward blessing. Because this thorn forced me to see this weakness, I learned that God’s grace was sufficient and that the Lord’s power would be perfected through this very weakness. Unbelievably, I realized that ultimately this weakness pleased me because it pointed to the working of destiny in my life.

How did that happen? How did this thorn become a blessing? Could I ever really beat it? I think the answer is yes and no. I doubt that I can ever lose this thorn. It remained throughout my fading memory as a reminder; however, could I really let it beat me? No! I didn’t let it shame me into quitting. I didn’t use it as an excuse when faced with difficulties.

Yes, the message is clear as is the choice I face. I could retreat once again from situations that cause me to choke on my own words or I can say, “When I am weak, then I am forced to portray strong!”

I see the choice. I can’t say I’m there yet; but, at least I am looking in the right direction thankful for the grace that is always sufficiently scarce for me....

~~ Cease this ache… ~~

Stop the pain before it kills me
Night and day it rules my life
Fourteen years of ruined existence
…Mourning loss of love and life.

Memories that live to haunt and
Redirect my soul to pain
Like a darkened torture chamber
…Strikes my heart…again and again.

Unsuccessful redirection
Burying deep an untoward past
Love that cannot be forgotten
…Broken heart…and scars that last.

Time pretends to heal the wounded
Years roll by…with more ahead
But the memories resurface
…Adding pain…though nothing’s said.

Hearts will not live on forever
Even dulling finds the brain
Hope exists to stop the memories
…Death will one day…stop the pain...hope soon.

Painful steps with nerve-ends fraying
Shards of glass bring vocal braying
Not a minute of cessation
And no sight of dissipation

Torment pulsing like a clock
Every second…pain’s tick-tock
Grimaces and grinding teeth
Cover that which lies beneath

Creaking joints that often malfunction
Lead to silence and compunction
Set apart from recreation

I pray, for once consider me human, just like you
Kept alive with medication
Till the rising of the sun
…Declares another night is finally done...

~~ The False Light of Sweepstake ~~

Like others, I have often thought
How simple life would be?
If I woke up some day to find
I’d won the lottery…
Not money…..but luck

Debts that haunt from days gone by
Erased within a day
Unencumbered, my new life
Could now start on its way?
Fulfilling dreams long hid away

No hindrances to find
Thoughts of worry and regret
Erased now from my mind
Traveling, when I felt the urge
Exploring varied places

Helping friends and bringing smiles
To many different faces
Would my values be the same?
And just my life lived easier

Or would the freedoms newly gained
…make life a little sleazier?
Could I still appreciate
The wonder nature brings?
Or would my heart leap only when
The cash register rings?

Those with money seem to live
A life that’s never-ending
They rarely get much peace of mind
For all the cash they are spending
Their friendships although many
Rarely stand the test of time
As each one seeks their future

In this ladder I can climb
Those who often have the most
Complain and moan and groan
Sometimes it’s just a cry to say
I am scared and all alone...

I guess to win the lottery
Will always be a dream
But winning luck and living life are
…both harder than they seem.
Just like wandering among the poppy fields,
Looking for an orchid....

~~ Levels of Lonesomeness ~~

Have you ever thought about on how many levels you can feel alone?

There are so many dimensions to that one word.

To begin with, you can be alone because you choose to.
And that can be a relief, a comforting thing were you just enjoy time by yourself.
But if it’s escaping from things you don’t want to face – your insecurities, an argue, pain; it goes from peaceful to something else.

Being alone against your will is heartbreaking.

Are you alone by frustration?
That you found things so boring it was no use going?
Was it for the best, but now you regret saying no?
Isn’t there enough friends?
Are they there beside you, but still makes you feel empty?

Feeling alone in a crowd is one of the worst feelings I know about.
You find yourself laughing, but still you know that it’s all fake?
Is it possible that you’re alone in your relationship - sitting on the couch with your boyfriend/girlfriend...aching inside.

Or what about lost love?
Most of us know that pain.
We know that no matter how many loving people you have around you, your still the loneliest person on earth.
At that point the suffering is far more than physical….
It is emotionally torturous….

But what about being alone in a decision?
Alone at work, alone in your heart and alone in seeing things clearly.

What about the loneliness of self contempt and hatred?
When you punish yourself?.
And the loneliness that comes when someone passes away (I’m not digging in that particular feeling).

But are you really alone?

Is it possible to just stop?
Is it a chemical reaction to things happening around you?
A reaction forcing us towards pain?

Can we hide from feeling alone?
Does so many of us just accept that we are lonely, avoiding our self’s as we push it away to the comfort of shallowness?
Are we really seeing our self’s in the mirror?
Do we want to see our self’s in the mirror?
See what we really are, and how we are hurting our self’s?
Can we make new friends, face new situations that makes us forget?

.. Or will it chase us down in the end.
I’m not sure…absolutely blank…
I wish I had someone to answer me all these queries….
What do you think?

~~ Desire ~~

Walking through the neighborhood
Seeing the homes with well kept yards
Dogs barking, children playing and laughing
Curiously detached yet hearing people talking
Staring at the couples holding hands
Witnessing all this without emotion
For you are not part of it, you are alone,
watching the world, from the outside in...

Welcoming the numbness for now
You begin to run, blurring away their faces
Focus on the sound, just the sound
The sound of your feet hitting the sidewalk
Breathe in, breathe out
Listen to your heart pounding
Don’t think, just keep running
Keep running till it all goes away

Lungs heaving, you dare not stop
You dare not allow the feelings to come
For this time they will utterly destroy you
Raising your face to the sky, begging for peace
Gently the breeze reaches out and caresses your face
Tearing away the only thread left holding you together
For the breeze carries thoughts, feeling, and passion.

The tears come slowly at first
Building to gut wrenching sobs
Your mind screaming at your foolish dreams
Berating you for putting your heart out there
You knew better than to hope
To hope for even a moment ...
For you know very well, you are not part of it, you are alone,
Coz... you are watching the world…just from the outside in…

~~ Nausea ~~

Rolling and tossing…endless undulation
Rising and falling…with waves up and down
Listing and dipping…like corks in a river
Spinning, my head…wonders if I will drown

Bobbing I’m bouncing…in rhythmic cadence
Rocking and swaying…till my stomach churns
Endless in movement…no longer in balance
Sights flowing one way…and then each scene turns

Reaching dry land…blessed ‘terra firma’
I try to stand, but…my legs don’t comply
Gravity rules…as I fall on my backside
Lying in motion…I watch clouds sail by.

Alone…cold…and silent
…a park bench is waiting
Left over from another time and space
…called winter

No one left to take a seat
…or clear away the snow
Days…Weeks…Years…time just passed away
…and people disappeared

Caught within a time warp
…the bench stands all alone
As people spend hot summer months
…dreaming of cooler times

From my window I see the moon
veiled not in a single cloud…
haughtily looking down on me
from a lofty position of fullness,
piercing the night with light,
searching for one like me
as if to expose my thoughts
…and innermost secrets.

Mighty orb of false light,
only taking from the sun
and claiming light as its own.
I am like the moon, reflecting only what I receive…
thoughts…feelings…memories,
experiences of others…which I call my own.

Is there no light from within?
Am I only a reflection?
Can I not exist alone?
Without others am I dark…and barren?
Must I live only at the mercy of others?
…Am I that lonely moon?

Lines of time again will merge
…and people reappear
Taking time to sit once more
…on a bench that was always there…

" Nightfall... "

Nightfall comes with trepidation
Darkness wrought with cold predation
Feelings turn to dread and fearing
Rational thought is disappearing

Sounds occur without discretion
Each one coming in succession
Boards start creaking in the floor
Driving thoughts of pending horror

Security of one’s own household
Vanishing as all becomes cold
Even chill bumps on each arm
Foretell of future pain and harm

Mind consumed with egomania
Heart too cold for one to touch
Cries for power in its extremity
Giving little…demanding much?

Emotions fueled by cruel hatred
Dismissing all who don’t agree
Author of annihilation
…Death to those who try to flee.

Darkened soul that can’t be woken
Shunned by light is evil’s door
Last name bears the curse of memory
…Monster then and forever more.

Mind and body out of sync
Eyes that stare and cannot blink
Frozen in a state of fright
Captive of this darkened night

Time…the only remaining friend
Journey is on till this night’s end
Minutes counted…one by one
…Till the rising of the sun.

~~ A Fool’s Feelings ~~

Today happens to be my special day
…coming but once a year.
It is the day I can have crazy thoughts,
Behave in a most unfortunate manner,
And house feelings that are bizarre
…all aptly attributable to that of a fool.

It is only the other days of the year
…that make me stand out!
I feel like a fool….
Perhaps for me everyday is destined to be an….
April Fool’s Day!!

~~ A Bad Day ~~

Today is a bad day…
Actually the day itself is beautiful
The sun is shining and the spring green of the grass is almost painful to behold
Purple, pink redbuds are fading away and the white popcorn dogwoods are taking their place
It is a beautiful day

But today is a bad day…
I can’t feel the joy of the color or the melodies of the songbirds
I am wrapped in a gray cloud that muffles my senses and separates me from the joy
With fat sausage fingers in my ears and a musty stained pillow over my eyes
I cannot receive the message of spring
Green, yellow, and purple notes sing, “New life, new life!”
But I am stuck with the past…
Old failures, old mistakes, just plain getting old and graying and wrinkling away

I hear my deep, unfathomable sighs and laugh at my self-pity
The ridiculousness of my condition
Everyone knows….
I am surrounded by blessings
By family, by friends, by beauty, by love
But is that really the truth…?
And I stay wrapped in the smelly gray blanket of despair

My choice, my fault, my sin—it must be so

Oh, I pray, unwrap me as you would a gift
Tear from me the layers that cover the truth of who you made me to be
Like Eve in the garden, stand me bare before you and show me that I, too, have goodness
Even I….like others
And then clothe me in your love
So that it is no more a bad day….

~~ Cheeseburger dreams…. ~~

Life is such frolicking in a cheeseburger dream
Sugar coated French fries and shakes with real cream
Surrounded by condiments as far as eyes see
Passing each one…cause mustard’s good for me.

To share real love and happiness with another
To feel the pain and satisfaction of a hard day’s work
To have peace of mind against all tomorrows
To dream and hope for the future
To generously love and give to family, friends…and others
To smile and laugh for no apparent reason
To look at the wonder of nature…and stare at nothing
To look at others and observe their grace and patience
To inwardly feel completely satisfied and content…just as I am

Cheeseburger dreams don’t come frequent enough
Too often sleep involves times that are rough
Tossing and turning makes for a short night
Waking finds darkness…the background of fright.

Reality knocks on the door of my bedroom
After my eyes drift off into deep sleep
Painting my mind, like a canvas, with colors
Images I hope my memory will keep

Minutes, like days, I relive precious moments
Feeling complete with my love from the past
Sharing our lives and enjoying a lifetime
Oh that this dream of reality could last

Wakened I find that I’ve entered a nightmare
Living a life that I know can’t exist
Walking a treadmill of anguish and loneliness
Thinking of all the reality I’ve missed.

Once again drifting to a far away land
There on the seashore…a cheeseburger stands
Life isn’t always the way that it seems
Especially when caught up…in cheeseburger dreams...

~~ Perfect Reality…A Dream or Barbs of Life? ~~

Why must life be so cruel?
Inflicting pain and suffering,
Amidst the times of joy and peace?
Why must life be a struggle to move on?

Why must thorns be encountered
In the process of picking lovely roses?
Can’t the beauty of the flowers
Be gathered without pain and suffering?

Darkness fades and light erupts
…all pieces fall in place;
A day begins unlike the rest
…it wears a different face.

The world is crammed with imperfection.
Good and bad reside together,
Often times sharing the space
Of a single event or encounter.

All is well…not a single thing wrong
…each hour flows gently by;
Regrets and doubts cannot co-exist
…if it is a clear blue sky.

Growing in the ability to appreciate beauty
Is linked to the ability to understand suffering.
Knowledge of both can result in a balance
That makes life a pleasure to live.

Life like this, without a care
…I wish that someday I could see;
So rare must be a find within the mind
…perfect reality.


The day should come when I will see
…life in its perfect scheme;
I hope and pray that on this day
…it won’t just be a dream.

Reflections…
Mirrored images…
Sometimes hazy
Sometimes defective
Sometimes crazy
Visible feedback and confirmation
Of something which we cannot see…
Myself…and…Perfect Reality
Is it so complicated….or next to impossible?

~~ Obituary to my April ~~

I am a dog person. You know loyalty….unlike cats….especially labs and retrievers.

But a few months earlier I was awoken by mewing….it was strange. It came from the balcony. I tried to cover my ears with cushions and ignore the mews. But they continued. I had hardly slept for 2 hours and I felt like worned out. I threw off the blanket off me and woke up angrily, my eyes still closed. I fumbled for my slippers with close eyes. I opened the balcony door. It was around 10 in the morning, but the sunlight seemed to blind me. What I saw was a little appalling. A small kitty with black and grey strips, hiding behind my flower pots and mewing relentlessly, shaking and scared. What amazed me is how the kitty landed there…..I stay on 2nd floor, and the kitty seemed just too small, perhaps a week old or 10 days. How could it be here? Its mother must have left it. May be she would take her once she finds a safe shelter for her. I came in and poured some cold milk in a bowl, left in the balcony, closed the door and crashed for my interrupted and unfinished sleep.

I woke up as usual, late, finished by daily chorus to get ready for my work. As typical, I made myself a hot cup of green tea, started my system, took a long deep breath and sat for the day’s work. I took a relaxing sip of the tea. Suddenly I recalled the kitty, I heard no mewing….perhaps it was gone. I walked up to the balcony and saw the bowl of milk licked clean….and the kitty? She was sleeping hidden behind the flower pot. I was touched. I left some more milk in the bowl, closed the balcony door and sat for work.

Late that night I heard some slurping noises and mewing….sign was clear, danger was awake. The pehredaar was on its shift…..whistling and beating the stick against the road occasionally. The mewing sound increased……now it was more like a child crying and slight scratching sound. I opened the balcony door and saw the kitty sitting next to the bowl. It must be hungry. I poured some more milk and left the balcony door open. The kitty kept mewing, but did not come inside the house.

This continued for few days. I kept pouring milk for her and wishing that her mother would come and take her away. Slowly, the kitty got used to me, she even started coming inside the house and roaming around me, purring….may be wishing that I would pick her and caress her. She used to limp; her left hind limb was injured probably. Now I was not alone, my apartment was being shared by an unauthorized tenant. She would roam behind me; brush herself against me when I went to the kitchen and sit on the mat next to where I used to work, playing with one of those sponge balls. But I was like ruthless….I never let her come close to me. One day, when I woke up I found her sleeping next to me on my bed. I had not even opened my eyes properly. And there she went, took a long yawn, stretched herself and then started licking my face. I felt irritated at first, then it turn to tickle and then I felt love. Such a sudden chemical change…I was at awe. I named her April…..since I found her in the month of April.

I unwillingly took April out one day and left her at the parking lot, thinking that her mother would find her and take her home. I felt a little pang at my heart, but I knew I was doing something right. But late that night, she found her way back….I was elated….I picked her up, caressed her for the first time. She licked my face thankingly. It was weeks now, but her limp hadn’t improved. I decided to take her to the vet. I decided to take her for a walk, in my arms. What vet said still rings in my ears. “She has Feline Leukemia is the leading viral killer of cats today and it’s deadly for her. The virus is spread by prolonged cat-to-cat contact and through bite wounds. The virus is shed in saliva, tears, urine, and feces. It is unstable in the environment and easily killed by warmth and drying. Fifty percent of these cats also have Feline Infectious Peritonitis. Half of these cats die because of Secondary Infections and ninety percent develop cancer. Probably the mother pregnant cat infected with leukemia could have transmitted the disease to her unborn kittens. I am sorry she won’t make it for long coz she is too young. Her pancreas has been irreparably damaged and the pancreatic cells that secrete insulin have been "burned out", the kitty is beyond cure.”

April had become a part of my life, a dear part of my family for the past 4 and a half, is dying. For quite some time, it has been clear that she wouldn’t be with us for much longer. Her steps have been painful and her movements stiff and guarded; but, some days have been better than others, and I have been able to ignore what was coming. Today is not one of those days—and the past couple of weeks have not held many of them either. Her eyes tell me it’s time, but it is so hard to say good-bye.

Truthfully, I wasn’t thrilled when she arrived. Of course, that meant April was handed off to me by chance. I’m a sucker for animals and had recently put a “no eye contact” policy in place with all strays. But this was way before that, and April became ours. I had a bit of a love hate relationship with her at first, but our later I took on the challenge of “training” her with gusto. Even at few weeks old, she was a lot to handle with puffy, sharp paws and a propensity for knocking me down to the ground when she pounced licking me. But with caramel colored eyes in a soft grey face, she eventually won us all over and was firmly entrenched as a member of the family. That entire sweet kitty ever wanted was to be with us 24 hours a day, and that’s pretty much been the way it’s been for the past few weeks.

April had become my sidekick. I haven’t been able to move from one room to the next without my chocolate shadow at my side or under my feet. Her snoring has been a constant in my study—along with some other less pleasant aromatic effects. I can’t imagine being here without her even though I am right now. I knew today was coming, but I guess I really didn’t.

So here I sit, waiting to hear from the vet. Waiting for him to pull out the plug and wondering if this really is it. Is she really gone from our lives? Will I never have to hold her paw through another stormy night or clean up her drool from the floor? Will I never hear her nails clicking across the floor and her banging on my bedroom door to get close to me? I can’t believe it until I see them and know for sure. And isn’t it strange that I will miss even the things I’ve griped the most about?

I hugged her neck as I left this morning to the vet. She lumbered over slowly wagging her tail and I kissed her head. In response, she licked my nose. Was it really good-bye? As I told my-miserable-self last night, “This is it! I can’t take it again—no more pets for me.” Then we both smiled and said together, “Except for the next one ….”

Good-bye sweet April. Your few weeks with me were more than worth it. You made me a cat person too.

~~ Fear or Fruit ~~

Unable to perform their job, many seek therapy. As the scene takes place at a Halloween event, the therapist’s solution is to force the people to confront the haunting images of twisted and disturbing fairy tales.

One of the best known fear quotes is Franklin D. Roosevelt's "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" (even if it is normally misquoted as "nothing to fear but fear itself").

Fear not that you might make a mistake in believing your dream.

Fear rather that if you don't go for it, you might stand weeping before God
And he'll tell you that you could have succeeded had you had a little more faith.

Fear not that you might fail.

Fear rather that you will never succeed if you never try and if you are unwilling to take risks.

Fear not that you might get hurt.

Fear rather that you will never grow if you wait for painless success.

I remember an old narration…..an old man said to the young man,

"Why not go out, and try climbing the tree,
After all isn't that where the fruit is?"

~~ Choice ~~

A plethora of predicaments race in my mind at best,
Which one can I fathom to ponder about next.
Shall I even think of acting upon what my mind stirs about,
Or cry my soul asleep by this never ending drought.

What will my career be?
The words last resort comes screaming at me with no one to yell halt.
The quick years will pass then they will hit me and it's my own fault.
All of my solutions come bearing a bag of infinite errors;

My late night thoughts give me shrieking terrors.
At what point in time does this maze come to a close.
On the inside I am slowly weeping but on the outside I pose.
I look around my room and it does not express myself.

Question creeps in my eyes at the princess sign of the shelf.
I feel confusion, terrorized and irritated.
I try consoling myself, “Don't worry, and don’t despair”.
Coz, all I really want in this life is to be without a fear.

~~ Ever haunting reminiscences ~~

Once tormented memories
Subconsciously blocked from my past
Are back again and again, with their chance
To consume me in their haunted contents
To horrify my mind, body and soul yet again
Acting like a loving friend
-"Sure, you can stay with me, with your sons and daughters."
But that is when all good came to an end...

Just waiting for me to pick up the keys and go
He would have his fun with any girl as soon as I closed the door
He didn't care about how much he hurt me or what he would make me do
He didn't care as long as he got his share when he was through

Those nights when he would pull me out of my bed
His hand tightly over my mouth, so no word from me could be said
-"If you love me, you will come and play with me." he would say
Cold tears running down my face, it's not like I had a choice, he would take me anyway

And on the days when we were alone,
When I would baby sit him when my days were off work
Into a locked bedroom or bathroom he would make me go
Him and me alone, my shame continued to grow

He would drag me with my hair in his fist
His pants down and me pushed to the cold hard floor
All I would do was focus on the door, bleeding, my shout choked

"Please stop! Please leave me alone!"
But my struggling only made him angry
-"You’re not being good little girl anymore, now you get twice as much as before!"
Trying to scream, he just gagged me, and punished me more
-"Tell anyone one word of this and I'll make you wish that you were never born!"

He destroyed a good two years of my life
He stole EVERYTHING…my innocence, my pureness as a child
My chances, dreams, wishes, ambitions, opportunities, my faith in others….
Gave me a terrorized adolescence
It’s because of him that I had become suicidal
And now because of the molesting prick
Even today, almost a decade later,
I can't stand to be touched or kissed…

So let this be a word of advice to you all
To never TRUST anybody
And never let down your SENTINEL,
Be it acquaintances or close known ones…

Every time I look into the mirror
I see the reminiscences I tried so hard to keep locked up inside
Memories I want to put away, to undo,
Every time I am alone…all by myself
They tend to come back more and more
Each and every day I suffer
I left my heart unguarded and open
Which left me shattered and broken…

The simple things I now do
Affect me in many ways
I don't know who to be
For I am scared to be
With me…without me

All because of these memories
That have scarred me and turned me cold
I wish there was some way to turn the time back
But it's time I let go
So I plead everyone to turn away
So I can be at peace from these miseries...