~~~ Mishap ~~~

Dad,
I sit awake at night
Crying... Waiting.
I don't want to get that call.
I know that I'm selfish,
But God only knows how much I still need you here!
I'm not ready to let go.
I'm so sad, yet so angry at you!
Why weren't you there?
Why didn't you make more of an effort?
How could you let so much time go by?

I sit here now,
Lamenting.
Thinking of you.
You were supposed to watch me grow older...
You were supposed to walk me down the aisle!
What am I supposed to do?
I'm so alone.
I know that I have made a lot of mistakes,
And that I too let so much time go.

I'm Sorry.
I'm sorry that I wasn't there.
I'm sorry that it took me this long to see.
I'm sorry that I can't get over the past.
I'm sorry that I took so long to realize how much you really mean to me.

I love you, Dad.
I just want a second chance.
And I want to say that everything is going to be okay,
That everything is going to be fine...
You will come home and wrap me in your arms,
And we will go riding again, or order a pizza and watch a movie together!

But I know that it's not okay.
I know that what I want isn't going to happen.
I just wish I could reverse the time.
I wish I could go back and be there.
And now I have to live with nightmares,
Of the catastrophe that struck me.
I just want you to know before,
That I always loved you, and will continue to...
No matter the outcome,
I want you to know that I'm out here,
In cold,
Seeking your forgiveness…
I pray, please don't forget about me…

~~~ Brazen ~~~

In darkness of the night
I spied him behind a tree
Sat I frozen by the sight
He was staring at me
Right in my eyes
The summer's heat became a chill
The messenger of death at his kill...

My heart skipped with an unknown fright
Couldn’t blink my eyes
Glanced back with all my might
Parted he my company
My chest was ferociously pounding still
To see the messenger of death at his kill...

I did rise and take flight
The fear made me to flee
From darkness into light
To free captivity
Unbinding my soul from his will
Coz, it was the messenger of death at his kill...

Many years since that night
Gazed I on that brazen be
Memories’ of still incite
Fears of my slavery incinerating
Existence of him makes me ill
As the messenger of death at his kill...

~~~ Circle of life ~~~

Stone garden amid a green pasture,
Gray, foreboding clouds above.
It's right there, in front of me,
Wooden train bound for heaven.
Unfamiliar but knowing eyes staring back at us.
She is released through our tears,
Through the balloons drifting skyward.
Nothing's immortal but the scent of a flower;
Roses and carnations, roses and carnations.
The trees sway and whisper,
Carry emotions on the wind.
There is peace amidst our sorrows;
Just as life springs from death.
And the grass is always green in the quiet garden of stones.
And through the clouds, the sun still shines.
Its death experienced within the circle of life…

~~~ Scar ~~~

As I drive along the boulevard
Of a tree lined shopping mall
Everything seems in its place,
Except for a deep scar on a Maple tree
And on your handsome face.
Side swept by that fast car,
You loved so mightily.
This tree was left in remembrance
Of the night your soul
Was almost set free.
Scars are reminders from the Lord
To thank him daily.
Scar on the tree reminds me of placing
My hand on your chest.
As I knelt upon my knee, whispering
Please spare my love
And bless his life please.
Scar on the tree is a reminder of the scar of his face,
Etched in my heart…

~~~ Petrified ~~~

Recently I've found a way to get close to you
To open our eyes to a new point of view
Now I am scared for not only your life
But now that it’s all not all right
I would love to protect you in every way
But I'm just a child growing smaller everyday

You are getting close to your last years
Being faced with lots of fears
I wish I could always be with you
And in your heart, I know you do too
Wish that I could always be around
For when I was lost it was you that I found

You've helped me in times of need
For I wish it was you who could be with me
But as I think about it all
You will always be there, to catch me when I fall
With your angel wings of gold
And a harp for you to hold

My tears will wash it all away
And express the words I'd love to say
The things that I have had in my heart
All along, to escape when we part
You always be there, here with me
To keep me going cautiously

With some fear
But fear keeps you safe, and fear helps you learn
But now I am scared more than concerned
I am frightened for you scared for me
Selfish in all I wish you to be
For you will always forever be mine
Until I die, till the end of time
Not only a aficionado but much more
A friend I have learned, and began to explore
For now I am scared, but it will pass
Because in my heart you will always last...

~~~ The House Boat ~~~

Fifty-nine stairs to the dock
Will eventually splinter and weaken.
The old swing
Is hanging by one frayed rope.

The dock will sink into whatever
Fate the river offers,
And crab pots will rust
On an overgrown shore.

The cornfield will be cut
And the yard will no longer
Witness late night games of kick the can.
The bench at the end
Of the dock will wilt from solitude,
The absence of four generations.

The dining room table hides
Under a layer of dust
As the forty faces at breakfast dwindle
To just fifteen
To just three
Until no one remains.

A faded deck
Of cards
Abandoned on the table,
Worn keys longing
For musical hands
Too aged to play;
The same hands that created this sanctuary.

Grand Bid has already been torn away
And the dock has already begun to sway.
Eventually, I get it…
The way of all life is decay.
Nothing lasts forever…

~~~ Starvation ~~~

I stand high right up to the sky, against the deafening waves,
My arms symbolize strength, that’s a lie!
Apparently happy and bold, virtual tranquility
Expressed in all ways, succeeding with great felicity!
Yes I’m bald without my beloved leaves, bosom frozen with cold blood,
My body sore with cynical glares, can you hear the silent flood?
It’s a cold heart on fire….

I wear a stern countenance, an attitude voluptuously donned,
I swear they are ironical, not just worn for love to be loaned
There lies insecurities very deep inside, with unalloyed alacrity for love,
Waiting for a glance, a look, a touch, akin a single Dove
Superficiality of carnal pleasures, pure love undefined,
Loneliness so corrosive, company so confined
Profound my contemplation, with persistent confusion,
I ask lyrically, Life is Precious, an illusion?

I now wait for the season, when ripest is the Time,
My long lost love, my leaves, bringing to me warmth which is sublime!
When I shall be loved for what I am, not for what I should pose to be,
Not to sing a beautiful song a la melody, or to dress like a Princess for the world to see
But for my leaves, the apple of my eyes, subtly laid on my arms,
Just spelling loneliness, would raise doubts and alarms
History is fait accompli, future is not, please let them know they are invaluable,
Vivid memories starve me further, cannot their stay be perpetual?

~~~ Stand by my side ~~~

Look into my eyes and let your heart speak,
Hold my hand and let your tears become weak,
Trust my touch and come with me on this ride,
All I need is you to stand by my side…

I still remember your smile,
Which used to seize the time for a while,
I promise you dear, I will give you back your pride,
All I need is you to stand by my side…

Even the moon is as bright as the sun,
Even the vagabond is having fun,
Look around you, happiness is calling with arms open wide,
All I need is you to stand by my side…

One request to end, just one request more,
Let your pains knock my door,
Let me face them and let me join the tide,
Coz, all I need is you to stand by my side…

~~~ Broken Promise ~~~

Are you rejoicing?
Who's calling the shots?
Abomination?
Betrayal?
Hilarious?
Or even Satan himself?

You said “Put the knife down!”
And so I did but you bounded yourself
And said “I won’t ever leave, I promise“
Now it’s a decade later
You’re walking away and say
“It’s over, I’m done!”
So after you left I sent you a text saying
“Never make a promise you can’t keep”
You come running back now
But only to witness my death
You run away…that’s what you are good at.
But my reminiscences will chase you till eternity…

~~~ At death’s gate ~~~

Bleed until you're left dry
Squeeze your life out of your soul
Feel every drop of the life-fluid
Out of your almost life-less pale skin.
The very feeling, the apparently “precious” life,
Is drifting far, far away, slipping away
From the tightly clenched fist, like the Sand
Memories of childhood, adolescence and womanhood,
All come splashing, like a frost-bite.
Every vivid anecdote passes through the
Chaotic lanes of the mind
Either sorrowful or euphoric
Or a lesson learned or brutal injustice.
Lives that have left a smear,
A bright flower, a peaceful Dove,
A lush forest, treating every “sense”
Perhaps the mighty mountains
And sometimes the oblivious Oceans
Vigorous with mobility but reminiscently romantic.
When it is Hope's suicide,
And stringent principles once believed
Crash like a pack of cards.
Every deception, betrayal, back-stab, does not
Feel as excruciating as the sharp sting of pain being experienced.
Every person etched in the heavy bosom, now getting
Empty by the minute, yet somehow getting heavier.
Subtle and extravagant thoughts transform into fumes.
Even pain condenses into orgasmic pleasure!
All that remains is the debris.
The debris of a Life that loved to Love
And all that matters is love felt and love given.
Finally engulfed, into the pure, selfless, Love...

~~~ Hushed truths ~~~

Every day I still walk towards our house’s missing warmth.
I tread streets of childhood as if it belonged to me,
The door will always be opened
And always will be welcoming
Either my presence or absence,
And my bed will still be there;
Adjacent the window where the sunlight
Radiated by the rough cemented wall
Ravage or illuminate mornings.

The wall has not been there when I was young.
It used to be a sentimental archway of seemingly
Dying trees and forsaken animals
A battlefield of the restless children
That plays even after the sun has set.
I buried my heart on that piece of land – barren and old
For it was said to have a rose garden and rich mulberry bushes
As my parents regale to it in aged and youth afternoons.

Though I never saw a trace of its beautiful history,
Its ideal face still haunts me
Like a long forgotten piano piece
I used to play.
I daydream over that arid land again and again
Against that cold wall
Every time I reach home...

~~~ Don't Give Up ~~~

When I looked into your eyes, I saw you looking straight back at me.
As we stared into each other’s eyes it was like somehow, some way we were thinking the same thing.

I was getting scared for you, as I looked into your pale eyes, and I saw your helpless body lying in the hospital bed getting weaker and weaker...

You're my best friend, without you there's no reason to go on. “Don’t give up yet, please.”

But as I stood and we looked into each other’s eyes, it was like you were telling me, “There is a reason to go on. You have friends and family who care so much about you. And don’t think of me as gone; just think of me as in the next room. “

As I stood there and watched your helpless body fade away from being a brilliant diamond and treasure, I stood and thought to myself you are right...

The only problem is when I go into the next room you’re not there in person, you’re there in spirit…like a serenading warmth.

Thinking to myself I don’t want to lose you. If only I had one wish, one dream to ever pick and bring one person back…it would have been you whose memories I’d always keep treasured.

~~~ To My Little One ~~~

After the heart attack,
Doctor said,
I’ll live only three months.
My little darling,
I helped you walk,
Holding your hand.
I found you berries,
In the nearby bushes.
I plucked you cherries,
Whenever you asked.
You were my doll and companion,
Now in a country overseas.
I wish you everything excellent.
See you in another life,
Till then,
Hasta la vista, baby…

~~~ The Final Goodbye ~~~

As a girl lies dying at the hands of drunk driver she thinks back at her life and all the things she wish she would have said.

Sometimes I wish I could rewind my life,
To think about all my actions one more time,
And to think about all the people I hurt.
I knew all the pain would one day come back to haunt me,
And sure enough in the end it hit me.
Like a knife to my heart,
And a bullet to my brain,
I finally felt the pain early morning that day.
I knew I should have said good bye,
But I didn't want to see you cry,
I never knew I was going to die.
I thought I'd be back,
With plenty of time to pick up my slack.

The accident, it wasn't my fault,
The driver was drunk,
With empty bottles in the trunk.
He came from nowhere,
With no idea where he would end,
Not knowing he'd leave a young girl dead.
He just wanted to have a little fun,
No harm would be done.
Now I lie here as my life passes me by,
I don't even have the strength to cry.
I see the dim faces of my friends at my side,
And think of their parents who would surely cry.

They didn't get to say goodbye,
And neither did I.
I want you all to know my love for you was dear.
Tell daddy that I love him,
Tell mommy that I adored her.
And tell that to my brothers, sisters, friends and relatives
To all who loved and all who cared,
Thank you and goodbye.
I can hear the sirens now,
But my heart is filled with fear.
It's too late,
Death must be my fate.
So I guess my life ends here,
As I witness myself die,
Please don't shed a tear.
I love you all very much
And my heart you all DID touch.

~~~ Habits of Exceedingly Successful People ~~~

1. BE PROACIVE
2. BEGIN WITH END AND WORST IN MIND
3. PUT FIRST THINGS FIRST
4. THINK WIN-WIN
5. SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD
6. SYNERGIZE
7. SHARPEN THE SAW
8. BE EXCITED TO BE ALIVE
9. A WISE ENEMY IS BETTER THAN 1000 FOOLISH FRIENDS
10. SMILE, it’s CONTAGIOUS

Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you’re in the perfect position to pray.
Small shift in the belief level will do amazing things in Life.
Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect. It means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead, where there is no path and leave a trail.

~~~ Four companions ~~~

Once upon a time, there was this princess who had four buddies. She loved the fourth friend the most and gifted him rich robes and treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best.

She also loved the third ally very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another.

She also loved her second acquaintance. He was her confidante and was always kind, considerate and patient with her. Whenever this princess faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through difficult times.

The princess’s first companion was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions to maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not love him. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took notice of him.

One day, the princess fell ill and she knew her time was limited. She thought of her luxurious life and pondered, “I now have four friends, but when I die, I’ll be all alone.”

So, she asked the fourth friend, “I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered you with care. Now that I’m dying, will you follow me and keep me company?”
“No way!” replied the fourth friend and he walked away without another word.
His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.

The sad princess then asked the third ally, “I loved you all my life. Now that I’m dying, will you follow me and keep me company?”
“No,” replied the third ally. “Life is too good! When you die, I’m going to marry someone else!”
Her heart sank and turned cold.

She then asked the second acquaintance, “I have always turned to you for help and you’ve always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t help you out this time!” replied the second acquaintance. “At the most, I can only walk with you to your grave.”
His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the princess was devastated.

Then, a voice called out: “I’ll go with you. I’ll follow you no matter where you go.”
The princess looked up, and there was her first companion. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the princess said, “I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!”

Moral: We have four friends in our lives:
The fourth friend is the BODY. No matter how much time and effort we put into making it look good, it will leave us when we die.
The third friend is POSSESSIONS, STATUS and WEALTH. When we die, it will all go to others.
The second friend is our FAMILY and FRIENDS. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.
And, the first friend is our SOUL—often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world. However, our Soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of us that will follow us.

~~~ That day ~~~

The air was moist
And dark clouds seem to pervasively fall
While the sun seems to be as insignificant
As any other days
It was on these ways
Where music and everything else
Seems to be at pause
Where time is of the leaves that fall
For the ravishing wind blow unkind
With grace it humbly falls down
Touching the ground to rest

And as I sit beside you
While I watch you turn off the music
And listen to the pastor
That speaks of the fountain of youth.
We conquer spaces;
And pace through familiar places
We have once crossed
And I look into your eyes
Against the flailing dance
Of the falling leaves
And saw myself
The blank distance
Of a musical note descend…

~~~ Without you ~~~

I see your face when I close my eyes
I hear your name when the wind’s just right
The setting sun’s gone once more
Each night’s worse than the night before
Now I can’t stand to leave you
I can’t take the weight of this world on my own
I don’t know what I’ll do
I don’t think I can make it all alone

They say all will mend with time
That doesn’t mean much to me tonight
Like city streets, your eyes shine
And I’m out here, with the losing kind
And yes, I’ve felt this kind of pain
A hole straight through my chest
It’s always there, never far away
Seems now it’s all that’s left

Every song I hear your voice sing
The words are clear. Come back to me
Come back to me…my only one
And hold me close. Your work is done.
Now I can’t stand to leave you
I can’t take the weight of this world on my own
I don’t know what I’ll do
I don’t think I can make it all alone…

~~~ Winter ~~~

Last November on dead leaves I lay my head,
While the cold wind was a blanket on my bed.
Last November I could stand the freezing rain,
While the sound of the rain drops called your name.
Don’t exonerate this evening,
That is greet for the moon,
That evening is more precise for them,
Who are they?
I know not…
I am waiting in the page called “Lonely”
Waiting, waiting and waiting…
The sun also is waiting for the mighty morning,
Whispering, “Come to me”…
Last November the river never froze,
Now this November is obnoxiously frosty.

~~~ Vital crap ~~~

Let’s not try to
Drown it all,
In loud music,
Cheese omelettes,
Non-veg jokes,
Cuddly toys,
Bottles of Jack Daniels,
Countless cigarettes,
Or forced letters to far away parents.
Let’s just acknowledge
It hurts a lot…
And wail alone…

~~~ Vigor ~~~

One by one they all parted,
She now stands alone.
Solitary in memories
Those have long since flown.
They call to her gently,
She pulls back the veil,
To peek at the little girl,
Tiny, trembling and frail.
The orphan in the garden,
A song in her heart,
Who asked nothing from life,
But it's heart to impart.
Walls were erected,
As the tiny heart grew cold,
The child stayed young
As the body grew old.
Innocence peers out
Through dimmed eyes long since grown.
Hiding the scars, left by those
Who had scars of their own.
She ponders past memoirs,
And the sting of dark pain.
A childhood once lived,
But never again.
Her life's mistakes,
A distant thought.
No room for regret,
Her failures for naught.
She lingers with feelings,
Loss of love, loss of kin,
Forced to relive the horror of oneness again.
Now looking to Heaven, and counting the stars,
She finds freedom and courage
To break down the bars.
A new found solace sweeping over the sorrow,
Though beaten today,
She'll be stronger tomorrow...

~~~ Adrift ~~~

Hold me,
Because tomorrow is December
The year is about to end
And sometimes all I wanted
Was to be held
Closer
To let me feel your breath
Flow in me
And wake me
For I have been sleeping
Because something is missing
And there is no time…

Hold me,
I go adrift...
Or rather save me
As soon as you feel
Dry in the mouth
For I am scared
That any moment now
I might jump off this bridge
And turn into ash…

Sometimes you have to jump off the bridge and hope to learn to fly on your way down…

~~~ Dial tone ~~~

Someone is loose in “No man’s land” who won’t stop
Ringing my phone.
Whoever-it-is listens, then hangs up.
Dial tone.

What do you want? A bushel of rhymes or so?
An autograph? A bone?
Hello?
Dial tone.

Someone’s lucky number, for all I know,
Is the same, terrible luck, as my own.
Hello!
Dial tone.

Or perhaps it’s an angel calling collect
To invite me to God’s throne.
Damn, I’ve been disconnected.
Dial tone.

Or is it my old conscience, my power of choice
To which I’ve grown
A stranger, and which no longer knows my voice?
Dial tone.

Are you standing there in some subway station, stiff
And coatless in the cold,
With your finger stuck in the dial as if
In a ring of gold?

And is there, outside the booth, a desperate throng
Tapping its coins on the glass, chafing its hands,
Like a queue of people who have been waiting long
To be measured for wedding bands?

I hear you breathe and blow into some remote
Mouthpiece, and as you exhale
The collar of my coat
Flutter like pennants in a gale.

The planet’s communications are broken.
I’m tired of saying “hello”.
My questions might as well be unspoken.
Into the void my answers go.

Thrown together, mutually,
With you, with you unknown.
Hello. Hello. Hello there.
Dial tone. Dial tone. Dial tone.

~~~ Wind ~~~

I hear the wind.
There's a message in the wind,
It says I'm free,
As I swirl around with autumn leaves
And the petals of the withering roses…

I hear the wind.
There are whispers in the wind,
I'm so hungry for their meanings…!
But I'm drunk with the saltiness of the sea,
And the sweetness of the flowering meadows…

On my messed up hair and on my broken limbs,
As my spirit dances with the willow trees
And my body rests in the shadows.
I hear the wind murmur,
I feel the wind embrace…

~~~ Amid tomorrows ~~~

As this day comes to a chilling close,
All I can think of is the new day breaking,
Into a warm and new tomorrow.

New beginnings leading to new ideas,
Leading to wisdom that lead to beliefs,
That turns into hopes and dreams.

As these feelings fade, I begin to see
All the things a person needs to succeed
Are hanging in between tomorrows.

~~~ Justification ~~~

I don't want an explanation, no vindication,
I don't need your attempts of remedy.
Words you can erase, excise,
I want something convincing, something I can feel.
Give me your frustrations; give me your deepest secrets,
I'll keep them safe and hidden from the rest of the world.
I don't care about the rest as long,
As I get your best.

Keep me trapped in this euphoric bubble.
Watch as I float so high above it all,
Trying my hardest not to fall.
From these heights I can see the world for what it truly is.
An illusion of hope,
Dreams that end too soon.
Stars seem to implode when you come around,
Blackening my days into an eternity of darkness.

Endlessly wandering blindly,
Bruises from stumbling in the shadows.
I can’t seem to find the light I used to know.
A light so sweet, so pure.
It used to dance on my skin and reflect in my eyes.
But I haven't felt that warmth in days.
Warmth that reached so far into my soul,
I used to be illuminated.

But now I'm burned out, a worthless fuse.
I can only hope for the day,
That I am reunited with the light again.
After being lost in the dark for so long,
A glimpse of the light can make my heart race,
And make me forget
About where I've been...

~~~ The Rain ~~~

The rain came down again today,
As it does this time of year.
I turned off every noisy thing
And sat in silence just to hear.

Transported by that drumming sound,
I found myself in days ago.
When I was young, just starting out,
So many things I couldn’t know.

But on that younger rainy day,
When sadness filled my lonely heart,
I wrote a poem about the way
Raindrops met, and then split apart.

I wish I could find that poem
To read my naive thoughts again.
But it was lost in time somewhere,
Just like the girl I was back then.

The rain has fallen countless times.
Many lives have joined with mine,
Then split to seek their chosen ways,
Since I wrote that childish rhyme.

Some have joined my life once more.
Some have paralleled my path.
Others have left me for good,
Some with joy and some in wrath.

Time has shown that sad young girl
That the rain keeps falling down.
All the wisdom I claimed then,
Has been drummed out by the sound
Of the rain that still pours down.

~~~ Comatose ~~~

I feel like a beach without an ocean
Or a songbird without a voice,
I want to forget you
But it seems I have no choice.

The clouds make me think of you
And the grass has me longing for your touch,
It seems foolish, but it's true
How is it possible to miss someone this much?

Your eyes were deep,
Your words sincere,
And I wish I could run to you
But you are not here.

~~~ Incompetent ~~~

Rose petals pink.
But roses do wither.
Words stay alive.
Words do not dither...

Words for remembrance
Wherever one goes.
That’s why there’s rosemary,
Soon dies the rose...

Words sing of love.
Words can bring hate.
Words can forever
On your soul, stamp a date...

But I will admit,
One thing words can’t do…
Seduce with a scent
My memories of you…

~~~ Withering rose ~~~

A withering rose is deeper than the deepest water.

A relationship is like a rose,
How long it lasts,
No one knows.
Love can erase an awful past,
Love can be yours, you'll see at last.
To feel that love, it makes you sigh.
To have it leave, you'd rather die.
You hope you've found that special rose,
'cause you love and care for the one you chose.

Not much inspiration tonight…was saving these from my birthday in order to have a petal bath, but then found them dry and full of mould. I wish they could be nice to use them in available light sauna style, but I needed a quick shot so decided to give them a deeper purpose for a photo opportunity! Too tired from staying so many late nights and being sleep deprived again....

“When the going gets tough, the tough go to sleep”
Yes, the older among us would know, in our times, it used to be “When the going gets tough, the tough gets going” ...But the kids seem to know, know better. They seem to get it right so young. Because, as age catches up with me, I too tend to do that. Sleep.

NO, this is in no way meant to incite suicidal thoughts in any one. But, I always thought it was courageous to commit suicide (not in young, adolescent years, when you don’t, or are not capable of, thinking about anything or anybody else but yourself. Yes, suicide is a selfish act I believe. One who commits thinks of no one else, but oneself. Before knowing that a hurt or six to oneself is no reason to die). May be the act itself is courageous. And to do it later in life, after you know yourself, after you know what life is...and you know that you are capable of taking it through...ups and downs. That stirs the conscious.

If it was that easy, I myself would have committed it a few times.
(That’s a poor joke, I know…! Should I say, if it was that easy, I would have tried at least once. But that's no joke at all…! May be life is a big joke, and death an eventuality. Or, may be as Sigmund Freud says, “the goal of all life is death”. Oh, crazy thoughts...leave it!)

Anyway, jokes aside, to commit suicide after completing 30 years, three decades of life…while putting an end is an act of courage, it is puzzling too...may even be seen as senseless. No…not admiring the act in anyway though. Just think of the works their lives would have presented us with....

I wanted to talk about treasuring the time we have, death and life but too tired to carry on with a description. May be some other time…

~~~ Significance ~~~

The burgundy rose bud,
Which bloomed
On the day of your
Death anniversary
Cut and kept within
The worn out
Pages of your book...

Has all dried,
The petals, which held
The fragrance of your
Unswerving words,
Have withered
Separating from the stalk,
The thorns on the long brown
Stem have thickened

Running my fingers through it
I come to know it was not
The beauty of love
In your words that held me

But, the sheer pain of knowing
What love was for you?
How tenderly
You walked through the
Thorny path of life
Until flinging yourself
Unflinchingly
To death...

~~~ Individuality ~~~

Sometimes all the lovely words come out of despair
The expression of misery makes it lighter
For optimism-like any other abstract thing such as
Love and hate is a conscious creature inside you
Waiting to be tamed, waiting for you to let go
For people tend to embrace whatever
They do not understand

And they will never...

To embrace it is to fight it until
It becomes easy and silent
As of absence where
All lost things
That you suppress to let go...

However, memory
Is what makes us "human"…
That is what describes our "individuality"…

~~~ You have found me ~~~

You have found me
In the distance between
Our heartbeats…
In the bargain of our breaths,
Of our cold feet as we sleep together,
Of how my lips part or
How my eyes close
To see you again; close to me
No matter where…
That’s where you have found me…
In the silence between the piano keys
You have hit
So close between the greetings
Of our thumping hearts…

~~~ Accomplished ~~~

Every spring the fields are cleaned of stones
And every spring the field expels more stones.
She hadn’t time enough or space to clear them,
She, who was known to be not susceptible,
Fueled the ships that fueled his going,
Gave and was given under in the city she ruled over.
Her fire ignites compassion
The bloom some day to remember
Here too there are tears for things…

~~~ Nostalgia ~~~

That aroma of yours
Is the best thing yet.
The more I think it
The fonder its excitement stays,
Which is not bad.
Only these days are not happy...

The more I think of it
The more the need
To be absolute and entire
Reveals we had ,
A fidgety animal
Caged in delight
Wetting and wetting its whisker
To remind of the glorious days...

~~~ The invitation ~~~

Far,
From mad-paced lives,
Bruised egos,
Broken hearts,
From loud vacuities,
Dead routine,
In the quietness
That lies between
The in-breath
And the out-breath,
Between shadow and shine…

The Silence is ready
To stir and spill
Receive it if you will…

~~~ Letting Go ~~~

Yes, yes I know
Love means
Letting sunshine and sand
Slip away from your fingers
… And more…

But now and then
I just want to
Clasp you tight
And sob,
Loud and hoarse
Saying only one thing,
“I don’t want to let you go.”
Even though I know
I must…

~~~ Reverie ~~~

My dreams, beyond the skies, beneath the stars, wondering why!

Is that the shine in eyes that made me smile?
Is that the smile that dropped a happy tear in my eye?
Is that you above the beauty of my dreams?

My whispering breaths, in your memory just sighs.

Is that the care missing, which I’m so bare?
Is that the kiss, the lifeline, which I miss?
Is that you faraway, giving me sighs in my whispering breaths?

~~~ Yesterday ~~~

A piece of your soul, lost,
Left floating in front of a painting,
Where love was gained,
Then altogether, misplaced.

A lonely thread creeping
Up your sleeve of lost certainty,
Wandering blissfully
All-over the atmosphere.
Waiting to sew your torn overcoat,
Asking: Where has truth gone?

A kiss without the warmth.
A touch sans electricity.
A meal, un-salty
And never again, delicious.

A joyous desert never reaching
The sweet home of your palate.

Left on the spoon, the bitter after-taste
Of what we all like to call,
“YESTERDAY…”

~~~ Slipping away ~~~

Slipping away
Like the sand in my hand
I can’t hold on to it
It was never mine to be held

Slipping away
Like time in itself
I can’t do the best with it
It has never stopped for anyone

Slipping away
Like life
I can’t always do what’s right
It was never told how much I’d have anyway

Slipping away
Like love
I can’t hold it in my palms
It can be shared but not smothered

Slipping away
Like you from my life
I can’t deny it
It probably was meant to be this way

Slipping away
Like my breath
I can’t take in more than what’s my fate
It probably will mean nothing when you’re gone anyway…

P.S. “Don’t let time slip through your fingers, life is only as long as you make it to be and if you grab hold of life and take control you can do anything you want to, don’t give up, never look back and be yourself no matter what people say. You are you and that’s the one thing nobody can take away, be all that you can be… And you can be everything.”

~~~ Poignant values like fist-full of sand ~~~

Have you ever tried to grab a fist full of sand and hold it? The harder you try to grasp it the more sand you lose through your fingertips. Holding onto sand seems impossible, it just keeps slipping away. However, if you cup your hands together you can gently cradle the sand losing almost nothing. Consider cupping gently the joys and challenges in life rather than trying desperately to hold onto them.

Life’s journey will follow a twisting turning path if we allow it to be. Each twist and turn inspires anticipation and wonder about what is around the next corner. Many of us try to control and predict what is about to come hoping and wishing for something great and magnificent. Sometimes we are greeted with such wonderful moments, happy endings, and dreams come true. Other times we are left feeling disappointed, emotionally charged, and bewildered. Whatever greets you around the next turn of your life’s journey embrace it gently. Cup it in your hands; do not hold on so tight that it causes you to lose the experience, memory, or lesson life has to offer despite your greatest efforts.

I have often found myself desperately trying to hold onto moments in life, grasping them tightly only to find that they just keep slipping through my fingertips. I am referring to meaningful events in life, relationships, behaviors, and values and beliefs. Rather than fighting to keep what we believe we do not want to lose by grasping it tightly, we should instead gently cup the event in our hands, holding on only as long as we need to and then let go.

Life offers greatness, challenges, heartache, and happiness, each giving us something to define further our unique character as individuals. Know that each offering will come and go allowing space for the next opportunity, memory, or chance at greatness. Do not grasp life’s offerings tightly hoping that nothing will change, that the moment will last forever. Instead, cup it gently experiencing it for what it is in the moment and then let it be what it will be in the grand scheme of life.

Change, transitions, and transformations are inevitable. Everything in life will change with time. Allow life’s offerings to come and go freely experience them for the moment, learn from the lessons they teach and let them go. Life’s journey is a twisting turning path that can be an adventure if we allow ourselves the flexibility and freedom to experience what it has to offer, both good and bad.

~~~ The Moment Forever ~~~

This isn't going to rhyme
There's no reason behind writing this but pure love
Love so pure, it washes over me
And fills my world and this universe...

Life has taken on a movie like quality
If only I could have this moment forever
I want to tell you how much I love you
Do you see it in my eyes?

Just you and me and no one else
I can't see anyone but you
You're all I think about
You've become the cynosure of my life...

Tears of happiness roll down
Your skin so silky under me
I could go on loving you
On and on until time fades and nothing else remains...

If only I could have this kiss forever.
If only time would stop right now.
If only you could see what you do to me.
If only this feeling would last until eternity...

~~~ Tie for tide ~~~

How many more whitewash should there be,
For the waves to learn the taste of its sand?
Violently bursting and then
Romantically slipping away,
As if the shore was happy
To set herself on fire...

Incessant are the waves
Pursuing the shore,
However it is not the shore
They belong to
But the great winds...

~~~ Unfulfilled desires ~~~

Like beautiful bodies of the dead who had not grown old
And they shut them, with tears, in a magnificent mausoleum,
With roses at the head and jasmine at the feet...
This is what desires resemble that have passed
Without fulfillment; with none of them having achieved
A night of sensual delight, or a bright golden morning...
"Sometimes the fulfillment of love is in its unfulfilled desires."

~~~ Fluffy voyage ~~~

The continuous kee-kee-ing sounds from the side balcony of our house drew us towards it. It was a balcony we seldom opened…and probably one of the reasons why a surprise lay there.

A pigeon had built its nest there! This was the first time I saw a bird’s nest up close, and I was excited. I ran inside the house to grab my camera to capture the image. The pigeon was a very good subject to take a photo of…given that it eyed me suspiciously. With all the attention and camera flashes it received, the flustered pigeon finally decided to take flight.

Now that the bird had left the place, I decided to take a closer look at the intricate nest. A bird’s nest I must say is one of the wonders of nature. The wonder being in the way the bird painstakingly brings and assembles every twig to form that wonderful home. And in this twiggy home, there lay two eggs! That was surprise number 2 for me!

Then, I went ahead and did one of the most stupid things….I picked up the egg. It was stupidity because what lay inside was really fragile, and definitely not meant for human touch.

The egg was warm and I gingerly laid it back in the nest to prevent any mishap. The next few days were spent waiting for it to hatch. My morning routine before leaving for work was to check on the eggs. Boy…I sure was waiting to see the little ones. The mother bird would fly away as soon as she heard the sound of the balcony door opening. Not knowing how long a pigeon egg takes to hatch, those of us at home wondered if my handling of the egg had destroyed it.

The next day I opened the balcony waiting to see the two eggs as usual. But, today was different. The mother bird did not fly away when she heard the balcony door opening. Instead, she stood her ground on the nest and didn’t budge an inch. I wondered why. I tried shooing her away (I know that was wicked!). But, she did not move. Instead, she stared at me intently. Now was the time for the mama pigeon to show that she was a mother protecting her young ones, and fiercely at that! She would not let me see the new borns. I guess I had to wait. The whole day was spent waiting to get a glimpse of the young ones…but not for a second did the mother bird fly away. I finally had to give up and go to sleep.

The morning of the next day, armed with my camera, I went to the balcony. I was excited, knowing I would get to see the new borns. On hearing the balcony door open, the mama pigeon walked out of the nest and flew away. Seizing the opportunity, I craned my neck into the space where the nest was and saw two furry yellow balls! Ohh my! One-day-old pigeons! They had not yet opened their eyes and lay next to the cracked eggshells, sleeping peacefully. And I kept clicking away, taking photos of the new lives, wondering how pigeons were born yellow and then turned to the grey color that we see.

The next two weeks saw a transformation from two furry yellow balls to scrawny birds without feathers. They lost their yellow fur over time and were ready to grow real pigeon feathers. This was when I picked one from the nest and took it inside my home to play. I laid them on a newspaper for two minutes and put them back into the nest!

The pigeons grew at an amazingly fast rate, and even though they had grown to the size of an adult, they still hung around the nest and did not fly away for a few days. One fine day, following my daily routine, I peeped into the nest and found it empty! No one…nothing! Just an empty nest! The pigeons had flown away about one month after birth, after acquiring the ultimate animal instinct—freedom and survival of the fluffy voyage!

~~~ Queens of disgraced hearts ~~~

We love wind and strains of violin, clouds and piano.
We have to dream or the way may be lost.
We were born in an undying era and we are travelling with spirits and ghosts.
Our shadow will reappear, because the past is lighting us.
Fear not, coz, we bring no damage, no dread…

~~~ Sluggish venom ~~~

If you’re going to suffer, you should suffer magnificently.

Not sure where or when I first heard that but that phrase resonated with me. Spoke to my slightly untamed and indulgent nature. Was louder and more enticing than the sullen voices and memories of hollow women that would scold me for laughing too hard or too loud, falling in love too often or giving myself over to any real pleasure. Somewhere around fifteen I was sitting at my granny’s third floor verandah, my mother and her friend both whispering, scowling and passing judgment on a group of people passing down the road. The group was opulent for sure; many empty cups and more on the way, food remaining on their plates while they ordered dessert, lots of laughing, cuddling, touching, kisses. I sat there watching this group of shameful behavior wishing I could slip out from under my chair, ditch the “civility” of whispering women, the clinking of the ice in the cold glasses of tea, the slow, guilt laden, stabbing of food…the glances around the roof tops to see if anyone was seeing them pleasure themselves when the morsels landed upon their twisted-with-envy-and-regret palates. I ached to slip away and let myself plunk bits of food…food that I picked at with my fingers…between my lips. Longed to pick up one of those cups and let the warm with tea slip down my throat and loosen the behavioral corset that bound me so tight that I was incapable of feeling much of anything at all.

I sat there, them shaking their heads, looking over their shoulders, bitter words of “trashy” and “no class” feeling slightly fragmented. My years of trying to please these women urging me to agree, to denounce these people for…and that was when it hit me, denounce them for what? Having fun? Living too much? Laughing too hard, enjoying their food too much, touching? Oh, I felt shame for sure but it was at the boorish, uncivil and very clearly jealous snapping of the people at my own table. If this was what you got from living your life by the rules, restraining yourself from feeling too good too often, this “holier than thou” attitude full of judgment and ugly words sputtered from a tight lipped frown, well then I was ready to go stomping around in puddles, naked, savoring chocolates, someone’s hands in my hips while I danced to “Break free”.

Now I know there are wicked smart and driven teenagers but sadly I was not one of them so I went about this new, “Going to get my feel on” thing all wrong. Took a lover, took a lover at 20, as if the fumbling of some 20 year old boy was somehow going to delight me. Fail. That was my first of many failures when it came to discovering what made me feel good…although I did find that I derived tremendous pleasure from “seducing” him, so much as it was through FOOD. The way he would risk just about anything to be with me simply by me giving him a certain look or brushing the back of his neck with the tips of my fingers, while he relished the food….the way he would stutter, stammer, tear at my recipe, the way I could get him to follow me behind the building where he worked because I “Simply had to be with him”. Wish I could say that was the greatest 2 years of my life wasn’t but I did start to figure out that I was getting the real pleasure by making him feel glutton.

The relationship was bound to end, I mean we were only 20 but it was doomed more by his pretending it was just for fun when I actually cared very deeply for him. This thing of ours went on into our late twenties, both of us in and out of relationships but somewhat lovers. He wanted the foodstuff I was freely giving him and I wanted all of his desire for me. To this day he holds the record for breaking my heart, hurt me the worst and to this day….I don’t blame him and I would do it all over again. To learn as much as I did, to hide the way my own heart was pounding away when he would kiss my hands for the gourmet, the pain I felt when he would talk to me about his newest love, the way I cried every time he left. “If you’re going to suffer you should suffer magnificently.”

Now at almost forty I am often at that “touching bottle filled table” using my fingers to eat whenever I wish, pouring plenty of warm alcohol rich liquid down my throat and still playing around with whatever bit of clumsy I might have. Flirt, roll my eyes in a sexy manner, wet my lips and growl saucy things to make people stutter but I’ve found my true pleasure comes from using my words to inspire want. Being able to describe something in a way that drives people to seek out that moment, that bottle, that taste…now that is what truly drives me wild. I’m lucky enough to work in a gourmet industry that kind of requires that, unbelievably lucky to have a boss that allows me, often encourages me to do it in my way and…I have this place. This place where I just talk and all you amazing people come to feel me though the gastronomic pleasure…you simply cannot know how much contentment you give me.

I spent yesterday just couching. Recovering from a weekend that saturated me in amazing wines, pouring them alongside two men too humble to truly understand how much they have changed me, drinking with, dining with and selling wine to people that either drove hundreds of miles or flew out to be there…because my words, my connoisseur, the ones they found here, inspired them to do so. Unreal to me and truthfully a speck overwhelming. I was just a puddle yesterday, drained and exhausted, too tired to do more than fondle the remote but…damn, sweetest exhaustion is eventually over. So while this painfully shy woman suffered a bit from being kind of in the spotlight….I assure you, I was suffering magnificently.

~~~ Someday ~~~

Hours
I’ve just been counting the hours
It’s been too long
Someday...
I satiate myself on the idea of “someday”
I can now count the hours until I am on the other side of “someday”
With you…

You must forgive me the way I devour the very thought of you
The way my tummy flips
The way my flesh erupts with tiny bumps
My eyes slipping into that seductive half rolling stare
Each tiny blonde hair on my skin alerting me to their interest
In just one more time, with you…

Your scent
Oh boy, the way your scent sets my mind ablaze with images…
Water
Champagne
Perfume
Sweat dripping

Still hours away I can smell you
Feel you hard against my lips
Salty and ready to slip inside
Your masculine gently squeezing me…

The way my breathing gets deeper
Nostrils flared and consuming you….remembering you
The way I you pull me to hear your heart beats
Holding me there not wanting to release
Until the WANT overpowers me…

My heart pounding
Your warmed from my extended wait
Our waiting for “someday”
Slipping deep into yesterday’s “someday”
Already dreaming of “someday” again…

My lips
My eyes
My heart
My dreams
Full of you...

Just need
One more thing…
This Saturday I shall be swallowing my beloved golden fried prawns and cheese and washing them down with crisp, nervy, reviving red wines...YOU coming?