~~ Whirlpool ~~

My heart feels like a part has been ripped out. I am sad, angry at my physician, and depressed. My therapist told me to just let myself be whatever that may be in that moment instead of “shutting down” my feelings which just makes it worse. I have a difficult time doing this.

Ok, so how to shut off your mind?

What I do when I want to consciously stop my mind from interfering with my soul, is I lie down on my bed (or sofa), put in ear plugs and just listen to my own breath and concentrate on it. I feel each breath enter my body, go down my lungs (making my belly rise) and go up through my throat again (making my belly deflate again) and out again through my mouth/nose.
Any thoughts that rush in are just observed as being thoughts, and rather than actively pushing them away, I simply focus on my breathing again. This takes some practice. ..Ok, it takes a LOT of practice. You may not always be consciously aware that you are “thinking”, but sooner or later you will remember that you were trying not to think. So then just focus on your breathing again.

After a while this will become second nature, and you’ll experience less difficulty in doing this.
So when your mind has given up its attempts to take over your consciousness, you may begin to see images, feel certain feelings/sensations, hear certain things. Do not analyze them, simply observe them and leave them be. At a certain point in this exercise you’ll no longer have the urge to analyze what you’re experiencing. Your mind will no longer wonder what the heck is going on. You are now in paradise, free from the burden of every-day mind-activity. Your soul rejoices. You are now living in the NOW, being all there is.

Is it bad to feel ... uncertain of how you feel? I pride myself on being fairly self-aware. I try very hard to cultivate a mind-body awareness and to teach it to my students. But lately, tell me do I ever feel out of touch. I don't even have the impetus to even try to meditate. I know it will probably help and I'll feel better for having tried but I feel weighted down. I sincerely hope that it's not depression rearing its ugly head again. I think I'll make an appointment to have my meds evaluated. But somehow I feel it may be different. I am confused with my own emotions. Do I love my job or do I dread it? Which “Unique man” does my heart tell me to go after? I have no clue and I think that makes it worse. It makes me sad. Maybe one day... hopefully someday soon I'll figure out what my heart wants. Because damn it…. I would really like to know.