Cross Roads

Many a times we arrive at cross roads. Where we need to cross – over.

Cross over people, cross over memories, cross over pains, cross over the life that was.

They all say, move on, that’s the way of life. Even I have said that, to the ones who came to me in times of pain and loneliness, seeking for words of nurture and care.

‘Move on’ I have told them, ‘life holds so much to see and perceive.’
‘Do not derogate yourself’ were my words, ‘for you know not what you’re worth.’
‘Everyone deserves happiness’, I tried to make them believe, ‘so do you, and so shall you get.’

Ironically, when my time came, neither there was anyone to tell me this, nor could I really make myself actually follow what I used to preach. I laughed at myself, thinking, how wronged they all are, who think I am wise, I am nice. Coz I aint. I am weird. Yeah, really I am.

Time and again, I go back and think over all that I have said, and all that I have done. Only to find, I just don’t fit in. I know not what I’m doing. I know not what my true calling is. I’m still searching for it. I have my fears. I have my short-comings. I am a solitary-reaper.

But still I am happy. I can love. I can laugh, make others laugh. I can be content with what I have. Weird, eh? Told you!

I was at a cross road yesterday, looking ahead, and not wanting to walk, for I wanted to back home. But they pushed me, drove me out, told me ‘this is what you got, so this is what you’ll do.’ And so I did. I walked. I slithered. I ran. And today, I stand at a new cross – road. All over again, thinking it wasn’t that bad. There are worse things that can happen. Perhaps that was what was meant to be. Perhaps we’re all better this way.

At times it’s not that hard pushing away a long existing image from your head. For the bruise is too bad to conceal or make up. And at times, certain images just refuse to be washed away. They mock at your helplessness; dig at your tears, and satire at what a fool you had been. And yet you try. And so I did.

They say, home is where the heart is. I have made my heart my home.