~~~ Ivy ~~~

The sirens will be shrieking their sorrow any moment, so I don’t have long. I just wanted you to know why.

She was a parasite. From the moment the seed of her burst into existence inside me, she fed off me. Slowly, but with purpose, eating her way into my soul. Eating it right out. Like the ivy that killed mama’s greenhouse. Creeping and clinging and choking first the building, and then the innocent plants inside.

At first I thought the numbness was left over from the needle they stuck in my back just before they wrenched her out of me. I didn’t ask for it…the needle I mean. Sure it took away the drawing, clawing, and discomfort. But I wanted the pain. Welcomed it. It was the pain that made me think everything was going to be alright after all. But the needle only pushed an icy chill into my spine. One that spread right through me to become an indescribable bleakness. A bleakness, I still carry with me today. This moment.

None of this is your fault, so please don’t feel as though it is. I realize that I was never enough for you…hell, I’ve certainly proved that now, haven’t I? You wanted a continuation of yourself. I understand that. But like mama said. Things don’t grow properly in contaminated soil. That, of course is not something you had any way of knowing. How could you?

For a while, your joy at what you’d done to me was liberating…you know? I even thought it might change things between us. I basked in your presence more often. It was nice, even though the only part of me you ever touched was the growing mound beneath which she blossomed and bloomed.

For a while you even stopped playing your little game, and the clues disappeared. Oh yes, the clues. An occasional errant earring in your coat pocket, a smudged lipstick stain on your shirt every now and again. Unaccountable charges on the bank statements, motel receipts left lying around with careful carelessness. Flaunting your cruelty. Cruelty carefully planned like a mathematical equation. My inadequacies equal your indiscretions.

Perhaps you didn’t think I was savvy enough to realise what you were doing. But then as it turns out you’re the one who’s going to need all the savvy he can get. It’s all such a surprise isn’t it? I’m sorry. I know how much you loathe surprises.

I hated her on sight. Not her appearance, mind you. She was actually the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Like a seal pup. Chubby, pink and loud. The paradox of her beauty was the most perfect irony. A flawless specimen.

But then how could she be anything else? She’d fed off me. And fed well. Voraciously. Drawing from me everything she needed to flourish.

She possessed me, and I was powerless to do anything but let her. And I was powerless against her violent entry into the world. She left my body in tatters, like some snake discarding its skin. But you know…there was a moment, as brief as a dying whisper, just as they severed the rope that attached her to me, that I sensed her vulnerability. If only I could have hung on to that. If only I could have.

I shed so much blood for her.
And while they sewed me, your tears mixed with my tears. Then they put her between us. She pounded at my heart with tiny fists, trying to beat me away, just beat me away with such savagery, and the pain of it was worse than anything I’d ever experienced. It was then, when you took her in your arms that I realized. I’d been nothing more than a body she’d been using to get to you. A host. A victim. And I knew it was something you’d planned together.

You and she. I watched her meld into you. Fuse herself to you with her eyes. Fuse herself to you like the ivy that killed mama’s greenhouse.

I knew that I’d have to do something, otherwise she would destroy you.
Ironically, it’s me who will pay the price for saving you.

No-one at the hospital seemed to notice that she was different to all the other pink, fat, loud babies. If they’d looked really closely they would have seen it in her eyes. In those first days, I spent hours gazing into them. I wanted to know her. I wanted to take back what she’d taken from me. But all I could see in those eyes was you. It was the real reason I freaked out at the hospital that night you came to visit. When I looked into your eyes, all I could see was her.

“A common occurrence”, said the pudgy disinfected nurse. “These things often take time. It’s an adjustment. Nothing to worry about. Quite normal.”
Hollow platitudes.

So we left the hospital. The “quite-normal” three of us. I didn’t want to go… I didn’t.
And I pleaded with the pudgy one, not to make me go. Not in words of course. But even if I had spoken the words I know she wouldn’t have heard me. No-one would have heard me. They have to hear me now though… don’t they. They have to.

We brought her home. And I knew that nothing could save us.

I’m glad she refused my breast. I’m glad she refused my touch. I’m glad she had no further use for me.

She would only allow you to carry out her needs. She fed off you, and I was helpless to stop it. I could only stand by and wait for you to come to me. I would have soothed you and told you that I understood. After all, she fed off me for nine long months. But you didn’t come to me. I wish you’d have come to me.

Then you started the game again. I was tired and I wanted it to stop. I knew I could never win this game of yours. I knew that the only way to end it was to play the game too. So I left you clues of my own.

I changed the equation… didn’t I, my love? My inadequacies plus your indiscretions finally equaled the point of no return.

And just like you, I carefully planned my cruelty. I made myself immune to your concern.
Why haven’t you changed her? Why are her bottles still in the fridge? Don’t tell me you haven’t fed her! What’s this rash?
Perhaps now you can figure out that these were my clues.

As one day liquefied into another, I found myself drawn further and further into the bleakness. Despite me and in spite of me, she continued to thrive. She still refused me, and through this refusal she fed off me, even though there was nothing left to take. It was as though she existed solely for you, and because of you. And through this existence she began to eradicate me little by little every day.

Still I continued to leave clues.
What’s this mark? She didn’t have it yesterday. She’s filthy why haven’t you bathed her today? What’s the fucking matter with you!
What’s the matter indeed?

Then you sent the nurse. She was like an angel of mercy. She opened the curtains and walked right into my bleakness. I welcomed her. The faint disinfectant smell of her reminded me of the hospital. I needed her humanness. I waited anxiously each day for the sunshine of her arrival. Oh how I loved the warmth and light she brought with her. Do you have any idea what it’s like to look forward to something with such desperation? I suspect that you do.

The nurse let me dare to hope that my wounds would heal. I should have known that to hope for such a thing would be futile. And gradually it happened. As deep down I knew it would. First me, then you and then the nurse.

I watched her creep into the nurse’s very essence. She fed off her, draining away her glowing warmth until all she could do was gaze into those bewitching eyes. The eyes that contained you and you alone. Once again, I began to fade into dusk until no-one even noticed I was there.

The bleakness is still with me, yet I feel a strange serenity. I didn’t plan this. Not in the way you must think. I don’t want you to think of me as some kind of monster. Think of me as a gardener. Remember…the soil was contaminated.

She would have fed off everyone who came in contact with her. Creeping and clawing her way into their soul until she destroyed them. Like the ivy that killed mama’s greenhouse.

Do you hear the sirens shrieking their sorrow? Perhaps they already know it’s too late…