Descending into the Deep End of Despair…..Resurfacing for a Fresh Breath of Renewed Hope

I am tired Lord. My body is racked with pain. I’ve been stuck in this bed for two months, and now in addition, I ache to the core with the flu. The battle to fight off these negative thoughts has surpassed my will, and today I gave in.

I find my mind spiralling into the negative; it is a fast descending tunnel that once entered, is a dangerous place to be. How quickly the mind races with thoughts of despair. Where is God? I wonder during these periods. Does he even care about my pain, my loneliness, the isolation? I temporarily begin listening to the enemies shouts in my ear. Nobody cares about you; you are worthless, why even bother? Tears I had managed to contain now poured out with force. Self-pity began to reign. And yet, I felt a tugging at my heart.

I know who it is, but I am a bit upset with Him right now, after all, couldn’t He just heal me and take this burden from me? I resist, arguing in my mind how pointless this all seems. There is so much more I am certain I could be doing for God, if only my body were stronger. The more reasoning I do, the angrier I become. Noticeably I begin to shut down, desiring numbness from feeling anything at all. My family becomes affected, but in my selfishness I excuse myself. More lies enter my thoughts, they don’t understand, how could they? With my mood turning despairingly downcast no one wanted to be in my presence. Who could blame them?

Stuck at home, stuck in bed, and all alone, how is a person able to continue on with this isolation? I have asked friends to visit, and even shared my desperate need for companionship, yet here I lie still, alone and wondering why.

Inwardly I battle to stay positive, to understand that people are just busy." I’ve been thinking about you", they say," I am just swamped with so many things to do”. They go on to explain in detail their numerous obligations. "I understand", I say as I politely hang up the phone. The theme continues as I express my desire for company to a few more people.

Logically I know they care, I am blessed to have kind hearted loving friends, but it is so hard to convince myself that I am not just forgotten. Isolation can distort my perspective. The enemy would have me believe that I am unimportant or not worth spending time with. As the days, weeks, and months go by, it sometimes seems that God, too, has forgotten me.

Do you ever feel this way? Alone, isolated, forgotten? There was a time in my life when I had perfect health, people surrounding me, and yet still I felt this way. What changed all that? He entered my life and I knew I was not alone. He remembered and cared for me. I knew I could do all things with Him.
But this life of chronic pain and continued isolation was not what I had in mind. I must remind myself that it is the same God who rescued me from my sorrow many years ago. Though I may not feel it, He is right by my side.

After a day of this, instead of a tug, I began sensing a strong pull from the Holy Spirit. God gently reveals to me that my heart is not right and that I need to turn toward Him. I know it’s true, but I still don’t feel like it. All I can mutter is” God, I’m sorry, please help me.” My head turns toward the direction of the nightstand, and with a glance I spot my Bhagwad Geeta; it is evident that I need to read it. My eyes roll upward displaying unwillingness, yet finally, like a stubborn child I concede. Inhaling deeply and releasing a passive sigh, I open up the pages.

As I soak in the words they begin to penetrate my soul, drawing me out of the negative trap, and into the truth of God’s loving assurance. My spirit resurfaces with a renewed hope as He reminds me that even in my bed, in this weakening earthly vessel, that I am His workmanship, created in him to do good works. Pondering this thought revived an understanding that He has important things in mind for me, even though I may not be aware of them. His word says that He has prepared this work in advance for us to do.
God knew what direction our lives would take, those of us living with chronic pain, and He has prepared for us a different path it seems. Perhaps our work is to continue shining His light in hurried and hopeless world. Maybe it is to offer a compassionate ear to a friend in need. Even in bed I can pray, write, and encourage others, right?

We must remain steadfast, knowing that no matter how insignificant one may feel at times, that we are all a part of God’s plan! We are his workmanship, and with a yielding heart, God will lead us toward the work that is especially crafted for each one of us. So all we need to do is resurface for a fresh breath of renewed hope...