Humpty Dumpty

I am so lost. I am so jaded, and overwhelmed by so many things in life - harsh, cruel, realism - that I can barely get my head together to write a decent piece.... It's all up here, in this brick of a head of mine...

So much has been going on, so much real shit - stuff that is life or death. No "ands" - just "or's", no ''if's'' and no ''buts''.

I see people I love desecrate their life wanting an end. It is painful to watch - is it my own behaviour haunting me. Things are fine, we all function well - however the underlying heartbeat of daily existence falters.

As I grow older (seemingly too fast), the mundane slowly drifts into oblivion, and I cannot identify the frivolous as something to acknowledge. Is this what happens? A slow painful death as one peaks to adulthood?

It is not my pain , it is your pain - causing me tremendous pain. Funny, my own experience of excruciating memories seemed to have begun to fade, and wounds are freshly re-opened. Suddenly I see, with a different shade of lens a new aspect of life. The days of sweet surrender are gone. The counting of months of sobriety seems to lose its fervor as I begin to count for people I love. I hold my breath every day as I count each moment for them. As I count each prayer for them to hold on and stay alive. To hold on until their fingernails bleed and realize that the pain from that is not as consequential as the seemingly easier way out.

I don't want children to be orphans. I'm tired of talking about people who were living and laughing with me and are now gone, gone to the heavens. I'm drained as I embrace life with a new love. I tremble as I realize what I had to see and feel and know before I thought like that. I fear for you; down on my knees, screaming inside, hoping you don't have to do the same. See the ugliness in life before you surrender and allow yourself a chance.

All that remains are shattered peices of fragile glass not to be stepped on. The peices that can never be un-broken. Has Humpty Dumpty not taught us a bitter lesson?