~~ A Bad Day ~~

Today is a bad day…
Actually the day itself is beautiful
The sun is shining and the spring green of the grass is almost painful to behold
Purple, pink redbuds are fading away and the white popcorn dogwoods are taking their place
It is a beautiful day

But today is a bad day…
I can’t feel the joy of the color or the melodies of the songbirds
I am wrapped in a gray cloud that muffles my senses and separates me from the joy
With fat sausage fingers in my ears and a musty stained pillow over my eyes
I cannot receive the message of spring
Green, yellow, and purple notes sing, “New life, new life!”
But I am stuck with the past…
Old failures, old mistakes, just plain getting old and graying and wrinkling away

I hear my deep, unfathomable sighs and laugh at my self-pity
The ridiculousness of my condition
Everyone knows….
I am surrounded by blessings
By family, by friends, by beauty, by love
But is that really the truth…?
And I stay wrapped in the smelly gray blanket of despair

My choice, my fault, my sin—it must be so

Oh, I pray, unwrap me as you would a gift
Tear from me the layers that cover the truth of who you made me to be
Like Eve in the garden, stand me bare before you and show me that I, too, have goodness
Even I….like others
And then clothe me in your love
So that it is no more a bad day….

~~ Cheeseburger dreams…. ~~

Life is such frolicking in a cheeseburger dream
Sugar coated French fries and shakes with real cream
Surrounded by condiments as far as eyes see
Passing each one…cause mustard’s good for me.

To share real love and happiness with another
To feel the pain and satisfaction of a hard day’s work
To have peace of mind against all tomorrows
To dream and hope for the future
To generously love and give to family, friends…and others
To smile and laugh for no apparent reason
To look at the wonder of nature…and stare at nothing
To look at others and observe their grace and patience
To inwardly feel completely satisfied and content…just as I am

Cheeseburger dreams don’t come frequent enough
Too often sleep involves times that are rough
Tossing and turning makes for a short night
Waking finds darkness…the background of fright.

Reality knocks on the door of my bedroom
After my eyes drift off into deep sleep
Painting my mind, like a canvas, with colors
Images I hope my memory will keep

Minutes, like days, I relive precious moments
Feeling complete with my love from the past
Sharing our lives and enjoying a lifetime
Oh that this dream of reality could last

Wakened I find that I’ve entered a nightmare
Living a life that I know can’t exist
Walking a treadmill of anguish and loneliness
Thinking of all the reality I’ve missed.

Once again drifting to a far away land
There on the seashore…a cheeseburger stands
Life isn’t always the way that it seems
Especially when caught up…in cheeseburger dreams...

~~ Perfect Reality…A Dream or Barbs of Life? ~~

Why must life be so cruel?
Inflicting pain and suffering,
Amidst the times of joy and peace?
Why must life be a struggle to move on?

Why must thorns be encountered
In the process of picking lovely roses?
Can’t the beauty of the flowers
Be gathered without pain and suffering?

Darkness fades and light erupts
…all pieces fall in place;
A day begins unlike the rest
…it wears a different face.

The world is crammed with imperfection.
Good and bad reside together,
Often times sharing the space
Of a single event or encounter.

All is well…not a single thing wrong
…each hour flows gently by;
Regrets and doubts cannot co-exist
…if it is a clear blue sky.

Growing in the ability to appreciate beauty
Is linked to the ability to understand suffering.
Knowledge of both can result in a balance
That makes life a pleasure to live.

Life like this, without a care
…I wish that someday I could see;
So rare must be a find within the mind
…perfect reality.


The day should come when I will see
…life in its perfect scheme;
I hope and pray that on this day
…it won’t just be a dream.

Reflections…
Mirrored images…
Sometimes hazy
Sometimes defective
Sometimes crazy
Visible feedback and confirmation
Of something which we cannot see…
Myself…and…Perfect Reality
Is it so complicated….or next to impossible?

~~ Obituary to my April ~~

I am a dog person. You know loyalty….unlike cats….especially labs and retrievers.

But a few months earlier I was awoken by mewing….it was strange. It came from the balcony. I tried to cover my ears with cushions and ignore the mews. But they continued. I had hardly slept for 2 hours and I felt like worned out. I threw off the blanket off me and woke up angrily, my eyes still closed. I fumbled for my slippers with close eyes. I opened the balcony door. It was around 10 in the morning, but the sunlight seemed to blind me. What I saw was a little appalling. A small kitty with black and grey strips, hiding behind my flower pots and mewing relentlessly, shaking and scared. What amazed me is how the kitty landed there…..I stay on 2nd floor, and the kitty seemed just too small, perhaps a week old or 10 days. How could it be here? Its mother must have left it. May be she would take her once she finds a safe shelter for her. I came in and poured some cold milk in a bowl, left in the balcony, closed the door and crashed for my interrupted and unfinished sleep.

I woke up as usual, late, finished by daily chorus to get ready for my work. As typical, I made myself a hot cup of green tea, started my system, took a long deep breath and sat for the day’s work. I took a relaxing sip of the tea. Suddenly I recalled the kitty, I heard no mewing….perhaps it was gone. I walked up to the balcony and saw the bowl of milk licked clean….and the kitty? She was sleeping hidden behind the flower pot. I was touched. I left some more milk in the bowl, closed the balcony door and sat for work.

Late that night I heard some slurping noises and mewing….sign was clear, danger was awake. The pehredaar was on its shift…..whistling and beating the stick against the road occasionally. The mewing sound increased……now it was more like a child crying and slight scratching sound. I opened the balcony door and saw the kitty sitting next to the bowl. It must be hungry. I poured some more milk and left the balcony door open. The kitty kept mewing, but did not come inside the house.

This continued for few days. I kept pouring milk for her and wishing that her mother would come and take her away. Slowly, the kitty got used to me, she even started coming inside the house and roaming around me, purring….may be wishing that I would pick her and caress her. She used to limp; her left hind limb was injured probably. Now I was not alone, my apartment was being shared by an unauthorized tenant. She would roam behind me; brush herself against me when I went to the kitchen and sit on the mat next to where I used to work, playing with one of those sponge balls. But I was like ruthless….I never let her come close to me. One day, when I woke up I found her sleeping next to me on my bed. I had not even opened my eyes properly. And there she went, took a long yawn, stretched herself and then started licking my face. I felt irritated at first, then it turn to tickle and then I felt love. Such a sudden chemical change…I was at awe. I named her April…..since I found her in the month of April.

I unwillingly took April out one day and left her at the parking lot, thinking that her mother would find her and take her home. I felt a little pang at my heart, but I knew I was doing something right. But late that night, she found her way back….I was elated….I picked her up, caressed her for the first time. She licked my face thankingly. It was weeks now, but her limp hadn’t improved. I decided to take her to the vet. I decided to take her for a walk, in my arms. What vet said still rings in my ears. “She has Feline Leukemia is the leading viral killer of cats today and it’s deadly for her. The virus is spread by prolonged cat-to-cat contact and through bite wounds. The virus is shed in saliva, tears, urine, and feces. It is unstable in the environment and easily killed by warmth and drying. Fifty percent of these cats also have Feline Infectious Peritonitis. Half of these cats die because of Secondary Infections and ninety percent develop cancer. Probably the mother pregnant cat infected with leukemia could have transmitted the disease to her unborn kittens. I am sorry she won’t make it for long coz she is too young. Her pancreas has been irreparably damaged and the pancreatic cells that secrete insulin have been "burned out", the kitty is beyond cure.”

April had become a part of my life, a dear part of my family for the past 4 and a half, is dying. For quite some time, it has been clear that she wouldn’t be with us for much longer. Her steps have been painful and her movements stiff and guarded; but, some days have been better than others, and I have been able to ignore what was coming. Today is not one of those days—and the past couple of weeks have not held many of them either. Her eyes tell me it’s time, but it is so hard to say good-bye.

Truthfully, I wasn’t thrilled when she arrived. Of course, that meant April was handed off to me by chance. I’m a sucker for animals and had recently put a “no eye contact” policy in place with all strays. But this was way before that, and April became ours. I had a bit of a love hate relationship with her at first, but our later I took on the challenge of “training” her with gusto. Even at few weeks old, she was a lot to handle with puffy, sharp paws and a propensity for knocking me down to the ground when she pounced licking me. But with caramel colored eyes in a soft grey face, she eventually won us all over and was firmly entrenched as a member of the family. That entire sweet kitty ever wanted was to be with us 24 hours a day, and that’s pretty much been the way it’s been for the past few weeks.

April had become my sidekick. I haven’t been able to move from one room to the next without my chocolate shadow at my side or under my feet. Her snoring has been a constant in my study—along with some other less pleasant aromatic effects. I can’t imagine being here without her even though I am right now. I knew today was coming, but I guess I really didn’t.

So here I sit, waiting to hear from the vet. Waiting for him to pull out the plug and wondering if this really is it. Is she really gone from our lives? Will I never have to hold her paw through another stormy night or clean up her drool from the floor? Will I never hear her nails clicking across the floor and her banging on my bedroom door to get close to me? I can’t believe it until I see them and know for sure. And isn’t it strange that I will miss even the things I’ve griped the most about?

I hugged her neck as I left this morning to the vet. She lumbered over slowly wagging her tail and I kissed her head. In response, she licked my nose. Was it really good-bye? As I told my-miserable-self last night, “This is it! I can’t take it again—no more pets for me.” Then we both smiled and said together, “Except for the next one ….”

Good-bye sweet April. Your few weeks with me were more than worth it. You made me a cat person too.

~~ Fear or Fruit ~~

Unable to perform their job, many seek therapy. As the scene takes place at a Halloween event, the therapist’s solution is to force the people to confront the haunting images of twisted and disturbing fairy tales.

One of the best known fear quotes is Franklin D. Roosevelt's "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" (even if it is normally misquoted as "nothing to fear but fear itself").

Fear not that you might make a mistake in believing your dream.

Fear rather that if you don't go for it, you might stand weeping before God
And he'll tell you that you could have succeeded had you had a little more faith.

Fear not that you might fail.

Fear rather that you will never succeed if you never try and if you are unwilling to take risks.

Fear not that you might get hurt.

Fear rather that you will never grow if you wait for painless success.

I remember an old narration…..an old man said to the young man,

"Why not go out, and try climbing the tree,
After all isn't that where the fruit is?"

~~ Choice ~~

A plethora of predicaments race in my mind at best,
Which one can I fathom to ponder about next.
Shall I even think of acting upon what my mind stirs about,
Or cry my soul asleep by this never ending drought.

What will my career be?
The words last resort comes screaming at me with no one to yell halt.
The quick years will pass then they will hit me and it's my own fault.
All of my solutions come bearing a bag of infinite errors;

My late night thoughts give me shrieking terrors.
At what point in time does this maze come to a close.
On the inside I am slowly weeping but on the outside I pose.
I look around my room and it does not express myself.

Question creeps in my eyes at the princess sign of the shelf.
I feel confusion, terrorized and irritated.
I try consoling myself, “Don't worry, and don’t despair”.
Coz, all I really want in this life is to be without a fear.

~~ Ever haunting reminiscences ~~

Once tormented memories
Subconsciously blocked from my past
Are back again and again, with their chance
To consume me in their haunted contents
To horrify my mind, body and soul yet again
Acting like a loving friend
-"Sure, you can stay with me, with your sons and daughters."
But that is when all good came to an end...

Just waiting for me to pick up the keys and go
He would have his fun with any girl as soon as I closed the door
He didn't care about how much he hurt me or what he would make me do
He didn't care as long as he got his share when he was through

Those nights when he would pull me out of my bed
His hand tightly over my mouth, so no word from me could be said
-"If you love me, you will come and play with me." he would say
Cold tears running down my face, it's not like I had a choice, he would take me anyway

And on the days when we were alone,
When I would baby sit him when my days were off work
Into a locked bedroom or bathroom he would make me go
Him and me alone, my shame continued to grow

He would drag me with my hair in his fist
His pants down and me pushed to the cold hard floor
All I would do was focus on the door, bleeding, my shout choked

"Please stop! Please leave me alone!"
But my struggling only made him angry
-"You’re not being good little girl anymore, now you get twice as much as before!"
Trying to scream, he just gagged me, and punished me more
-"Tell anyone one word of this and I'll make you wish that you were never born!"

He destroyed a good two years of my life
He stole EVERYTHING…my innocence, my pureness as a child
My chances, dreams, wishes, ambitions, opportunities, my faith in others….
Gave me a terrorized adolescence
It’s because of him that I had become suicidal
And now because of the molesting prick
Even today, almost a decade later,
I can't stand to be touched or kissed…

So let this be a word of advice to you all
To never TRUST anybody
And never let down your SENTINEL,
Be it acquaintances or close known ones…

Every time I look into the mirror
I see the reminiscences I tried so hard to keep locked up inside
Memories I want to put away, to undo,
Every time I am alone…all by myself
They tend to come back more and more
Each and every day I suffer
I left my heart unguarded and open
Which left me shattered and broken…

The simple things I now do
Affect me in many ways
I don't know who to be
For I am scared to be
With me…without me

All because of these memories
That have scarred me and turned me cold
I wish there was some way to turn the time back
But it's time I let go
So I plead everyone to turn away
So I can be at peace from these miseries...