~~ The Sunny Side up....~~

Betrayals, let downs, breakups, unrequited emotions, misunderstandings, avoided confrontations. Just so many expressions to signify one thing, and one thing only- PAIN. And all those people who came up with all these terms, sure as hell had a lot of time on their hands.

For the longest time I lived with the feeling of having a messy life where I did not have a single solitary thing in a place where it should be. Nothing working out the way I pictured it to, decadent people letting me down, people stepping back to look after their interests first instead of standing by me, for me.... A sordid chaos was what it was and there was I in the epicenter of it all putting up a face that I am graceful about it all, that it was okay and that I understood. And that charade went on till I knew I would have to give up my sanity if I went on with the circus any longer. And so I chose to give up.

Thinking and hoping and waiting and trying to give the impression that you are going to be there on their side of the bank whenever they felt like walking up to you. And all that was drilling a hole in my heart, hat kept getting bigger and bigger. I chose to push myself in a loop where my life, inspite of all its bright spots just kept looking empty. I still chose to keep that wrong facade up, hoping sunshine to come by my street someday and purge a life. But still nothing happened. Nothing ever happened.

And one fine summery morning, my conscience came calling by and told me to quit. Turn away from it all and focus on other things that I had never given much credit that they could infuse meaning into an abysmal hypocritical existence. She told me to change plans, create goals, generate ambitions, dream big and utterly and totally reject any prospects that spoke to me of an ordinary life. And I think that was one of the finest mornings I have woken up to, in a long long time.

Happier and saner, looking ahead, with a mind free of haunting and a heart free of skeletons I have put to rest, here I am. I have changed my street, repainted my walls and put them up, on their right side for once, up for the sun to come shinning by and he comes everyday...!!

Every day he trickles in into my dainty pretty kitchen through my east facing window, where every Sunday we say hello as i set the pot for some bigger flavored green tea in my olive colored vintage mug I am fanatically possessive about. Every day, he floats by my living room that gripes in dire need of some furniture, as I sit down on the floor, back from work, and read the day's newspaper. Every day he breezes by my boho bedroom that dons fuchsia and pink lilies on the wall standing behind a candy pink hand painted wicker book shelf; and while I am doing my hair we smile through my mirror; acknowledging what a beautiful day it is.

And I want to keep seeing him, right this way, everyday for the rest of my life, no matter what the weather is outside and what street I am in. I am going to pull a plug on that part of my gray matter that works only to bring me home a bagful of pain and enjoy the every phase my life trespasses into, whenever it does. Peeling layers of skin from an injury never helps, I think rather settling down with a scar for life is a better option. Yes...I am going to take that.....

Sometimes it’s arduous to try and find a speck of shimmery ray even when there is light looming all over. And at other times the faintest beams seem to dance and fill your heart with hope. So today, I want to wish for that iridescent hope to not desert our fragile hearts, and seek its way through to us no matter how abysmal our alleys become, find us, hold us, fill us and light up more than just our rooms...

~~ Falling Leaves ~~

I was thinking of old friends today
And how many of them have slipped away.
Moved, got married, or stopped calling so much,
Found new friends, got busy, and just lost touch.
It reminded me of falling leaves.
Every autumn the leaves fall from the trees.
Some stay longer than others, but eventually -
Each leaf must fall, I'm told,
Leaving the tree alone to face the cold.
Why is it that in the time of utmost need,
The leaves would seek to leave the tree?
And when we need our friends around us
We look and they cannot be found?
Of course these friendships come and go
And in the spring new leaves will grow.
But I prefer autumn friends of old
With crackling laughter and colors bold.
And then I thought of you.
That one stubborn leaf that won't let go.
That clings despite the winds that blow.
Fighting ice, and snow, and winter's stings
Hanging on right through till spring.
So I guess that's what you are to me -
The very last leaf to leave the tree.
I know it seems silly, but it's true.
When I see that last leaf... I think of you.
....Don't drift away.... will you…???

~~ For once ~~

Its nice to sit beneath the stars
Just for once...
With buried healing scars.

Its nice to look toward the sky
Just for once...
And not to cry.

Quiet,
With promise of a new moon.
To enliven thoughts, lighten steps.
Words strung together
With spaces of nothingness.
Pointing with empty hand.
What’s between the stars and earth?
A hazy land too unsubstantial to be seen?
Yet felt.
Hushhhhh….enough now

It’s good to feel the sun can warm
Just for once...
A heart that’s torn

And it’s good to know,
A smile, surreptitiously, can rise
Now and then...
Behind these hazel eyes…

For once...

~~May Serenade~~

Suddenly,
The frosty days are put to rest
As winter turns to spring
WI cast my eyes up to the sky
To what this month will bring.

A day when dark clouds gently brew
With not one leaf a stirring
When thunder peals as lightning cracks
A raging storm, enduring.

As shifting winds blow here and there
Without a rhyme or reason
When March fades to April and then May
A turbulent sort of season.

I've waited long for nature's song
For freshness in the air
For rainy days and purple haze
For breezes sweet and fair.

A time of kites and windy days
A time when dreams are made
A time when nature alchemy connives to outwit age

Its piercingly sweet elegance cuts my breath in half.

As with other unfathomables
The fragrance of lilies is a mystery of the ordinary,
Perhaps, a sacramental leading to deeper mystery
A celebration of the unending serenity…

The earth shies away like a demure damsel
Drops of rain nest on me
Calms, soothes and caresses me
With sensuous innocence all over
An assemblage for the manna from heaven
A glorious May day serenade ...

~~ Insomnia...~~

The delicious darkness of night time, sleep time
Here it is
My entire body reeks of irritation and impatience
Sleep has passed me by and went away screaming
Its nightly taunts into my face
Brushing against my restless skin.

I tense, I sweat, I am powerless
I rollover
Nothingness
I hear everything

I feel orphan feathers skimming my forehead,
Having escaped from my pillow
I fantasize over my luxury of time
Go downstairs
Gulp water and drag myself to the bed again.
Eyes burn
I smeared my palm with a night cream

and the smell makes me want to vomit
I could scrub the bathroom floor,

rearrange the bookshelves
Or write letters to people I otherwise

don't give a damn about
All in my semi-euphoric,

manic midnight moments of no rest
I drift in thought, a sprained ankle,

rushed to emergency room, painkillers...

Yes, that's it, side effects drowsiness,
Sleeeeeeep, don't operate heavy machinery.
No, not too extreme
Lie still
Wait…
Morning rises… I start the life again…

~~The sand still remembers...may be...~~~

Kites seek the wind here
Sea oats practice
Their patient sway
To rhythms

Of seasons and year
Dunes rise from the sand
Carved in a sculptor's caress
Who would dare to dream
Of creation on a scale
Of unbounded distance
A seagull holds in the breeze
Wings stretched wide
Like a lover's arms
Both share their
Unspoken word to the wind
"Come to me"
While the morning sun
Still raises its eyes to the clouds
Shells dot the sand shelf
In places the ocean
Swept them last night
Flowing promises of return
Maybe the sand still remembers
The footsteps
Hands in hands
Building impermanence
Leaving marks
Of hearts drawn
With names underneath
Carvings of hopes
And small dreams
That are washed away daily
Both us
And this place bowing
At different paces
To what finds us
And binds us both...
Time
May be the sand still remembers....

~~Enslaved~~

With bounding silence atop the clouds I fly
And reach toward the heavens aloft,
Like the goddess of freedom,
I wander above the earth and am awed with
Beautiful splendor at the dreams and
Hopes that are being painted beneath me.

I watch and marvel at these deeds and
So I climb higher, hopping to snatch
A broader glance.

But suddenly…
I must stop! I’m free no more.
I’ve come to the last inch of
My string and I can’t climb
Anymore.

I am restricted to only a small sky,
Unable to work toward achieving my
Aims and goals.

I then look back,
And I sense faith
And I sense love bonding
I soar up over the trees.
With butterflies and bees.
Fly past billowy clouds,
With my tail of red and white,
And climb so high the things below
would disappear from sight.

And then like a gift from God,
I know that if I fly above the clouds
would I ever, ever return?
And ponder, if I could fly so high,
A kite, a sky, and a good firm breeze,
And acres of ground away from trees,
And one hundred yards of clean, strong string
O boy, O boy! It must be the Spring!
See…Just how much I would learn...