~~ Deepest Fear ~~

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?”
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~~ Knowing God ~~

I have looked at life from both sides now... From win and lose and still somehow... It's life's illusions I recall... and sometimes I feel that I really don't know life at all.... one of the various things that puzzle me is “GOD”

So… do you believe in God? This is a question often asked of me, and one I ask of myself as frequently. It's also a question that cannot be addressed without offending someone. The concept of higher mind or power, regardless of name, is ever appealing and its veracity eminently plausible given the interactive precision of structures and events that make up the human reality. But it's a crowded market, the god market, so which god exactly?


The God of gods, the supreme power sitting above all manipulating and puppeting our thoughts and deeds, the one true God, the god capable of loving Hitler, the god who seduces mortal women, the merciful god who saves a child lost in the forest and takes the lives of hundreds in an earthquake or typhoon, or perhaps the god of peace or war, or the creator, preserver and destroyer, or the god who built the dinosaurs, then drove them to extinction? Or, perhaps a futuristic god - an almighty that we multi-cellular bipeds of today cannot imagine beyond hypothesizing that all concepts of god entertained by man millennia hence will not include even trinket memories of what we believe in today.

Yes, I do believe in God, but I have no idea what God is and I doubt anyone who says he does. And this last is the most difficult part for me. Since childhood, when I first realized that the man of our local priest did not embody the words spoken by him, I've been unable to sustain a belief in a god so feeble, a god so much in need of "select" individuals to define and translate him that he bows to indelible human weakness as a means of communication.

There is no pope that is not a man, no rabbi, no mullah, no priest, teacher or guru that is not a man or a woman. And men are imperfect. Therefore assessments of the divine derived by them, regardless of their title and stature in the temporal world remains a narrow and inadequate measure upon which to discern original truth, the mind of God or exact a dissertation on human design.

I have turned to such men and agree they are profound, but life cannot complete a man and death hides his ultimate story. How then are we to judge the accuracy of any faith arising from men when so many believed for millennia that the Earth was the centre of the universe, that disease was the manufacture of evil spirits and that blood flowing through our veins was an impossible idea?

Errors in perception persist; belief in God, however deep, however strident, is not and cannot be equivalent to the God of belief.

At the risk of sounding harsh I would say that no "master" equals the power of God, and so he lacks the right to speak for or about God from a position superior to that of the average man. Nor has any man returned from the dead with viable proof of an immortal God and life eternal beyond the flesh. Failing proof of the same, a God defined by our present understanding of immortality evokes doubt in the reality of that God.

A conundrum indeed and one that brings us to another equally difficult question: Why do I believe? Why does anyone believe?

In a world where the line drawn between placebo and actual eludes direct observation, where no two people see the world from an equivalent perspective and all perspective evaluations are biased from the human point of view, belief, though it differs from person to person, is one ingredient in the mix that provides an adjudicative role over our lives.

Perhaps the God of our belief is our belief - an internal reality nominated by us to arbitrate the weight we cannot bear, the wisdom we cannot fathom and the purpose we cannot define.

Belief in God is human - an evolving adaptation of advantage over adverse circumstance that none will relinquish once attained. Belief is our ultimate bridge to survival, the vision to attribute unknown forces behind inchoate shadows in the night, a mechanism designed to shelter the mind from hostile uncertainty and reason to coalesce individuals into groups for greater fortification and procreation.

In the town where I lived, a woman suffering from serious financial and health problems and struggling to raise a son of 13, who is near deaf, blind in one eye and often debilitated by a weak heart and stomach, told me that she believed in God, that her belief was strong and God would save her and her son.

Though it may appear blind, God, even if it is just an idea - because ideas apart from what they define have power - has the power to direct human attention and consequently, human action, hope and purpose.

Yes, I do believe in God, in my way, and in my way I am connected to all beliefs. Still, I wonder, would a good man who believes in God remain a good man if he did not believe in God?

Yet another first time....

No matter how confident we are. No matter how much we have seen in life. Still whenever it is something that is happening for the first time in our life, it leaves butterflies in our stomach. We get nervous. Another first time event is awaiting me and I am nervous. Shit Nervous. Dead Nervous. But it is still a very nice feeling. Strange but nice.

Don't ask me what is this event. It could be anything. And while I am writing this, there is another thing on my mind. Call it a thought, a cloud of emotions or just a bubble.

With million smiles spread across my face,
I yet have a few pores open,
though covered with the sands of time,
but still hurt when touched or paid heed to.
A broken guitar is hidden,
somewhere in the dark corners of my heart,
and whenever a chord is struck,
even if unknowingly,
it hitherto plays a sad note.
Leaves an empty feeling,
sort of being hollow inside,
even if it lasts for seconds few.
Stitches no matter how old,
still leave a mark,
though completely faded,
the sense of that pain remains,
when brushed lightly with a soft touch.

I want peace that lasts forever,
and a healing that makes me feel free,
and doesnt remind me of my scars that were.
I want 'me' like how I was,
when I was not how I am.

P.S. Got any opinion about any first time event of your life? Why don't you share it with me in the comments section? As in, how did you overcome your initial nervousness and once through with the event how proud did you feel about yourselves.

~~ High Tide ~~

With the heat of your love,
I am melting in your heart,
drop by drop,
brushing your soul lightly,
with my skin,
my lips quivering to know you,
through words unsaid,
through the waves that you,
are creating around me...
addicted to living
allergic to life...

The quiet river that I was,
you are turning me into an ocean,
and trust me...
today,
you are my moon,
and the tide is high...!!

~~ Soul of a woman ~~

I smile. I cry. I laugh. I dance. I sing. I jump around. I write. I express. I think a lot. I am pure. I am corrupted. I am a devil, yet in a divine way. I am a woman who is practical, emotional, confused and yet sure of everything. To find out more you need to peep into the "Soul of A Woman".

A woman thinks, feels and calculates a lot more than she expresses. She is as deep as the ocean. She is more about the depth than what is visible on the surface. So, feel free to dive in.
~Soul of A Woman - You can never know it enough!~

It's the same soul but the face is new..
a million thoughts pass by,
but expressible are just few..
some are told, some not,
some just die like a malnutrition tot.
but not for long,
not enough..
they can't be killed..
so..
deal with them..
love them..
talk to them..
and try to understand..
it's your mind..
it's your soul..
oh yes...
The Soul of a Woman...

Of realizations,
and a few steps watched,
a new journey,
and someone special beside.
Hopes anew,
and soul reflected,
in the eyes.
I still smile,
with my heart.

I care, I share,
I am genuine inside.
I hurt, I heal.
I love, I desire.
I like to please,
and get admired.
In short, I am,
yet a human,
yet alive..

It hasn’t turned me,
into a machine,
the heartless materialism around.

Even today,
I look at myself,
in the mirror,
and wish,
“Gosh! Don’t change,
not for anyone, my dear,
I treasure you.”

26 years gone,
and may be the innocence,
has gathered some dust,
and the purity has,
withered off a little.
But yet, I am "me"
and don't want to be,
anything else.

May be wrong,
with a million flaws,
and confusions, I may be.
But at night when I close my eyes,
I dream of a new day,
where I am "me".
And almost each day,
in these years,
it has been a reality,
my dream.

I am the smile,
mixed with a few wet tears.
I am the dew,
under your morning feet.
I am the petal,
getting soft at your touch.
I am, what you are,
when happiness dawns...

For a few moments

For a few moments,
I don’t want to understand,
I don’t want to know it all,
I don’t want to ignore myself,
And that pampering I am craving for,
I don’t want to be a woman,
All sane and mature.

For a few moments,
I want to be understood,
I want to be known by you,
Through and through,
I want you to ignore yourself,
So that you can see me all around,
And in you too,
Also give me the pampering that I need.
I want you to be the man,
Without that sanity and maturity.

Just for a few moments,
We could come out of the rules of the world,
And be 'ourselves',
Without having to understand,
Or showing that we do.

I wish we could,
Forget our levels of sanity,
And maturity,
And unlearn all that,
'Load of understanding'.

I wish we could,
Just lose ourselves into each other,
For long insane hours,
For immature moments,
So that we are 'misunderstood'
By everyone around.

I want to be a piece of ice,
Dripping in your heart, slowly,
And feeling your love,
And I don’t want to judge you,
By what happens outside of you.

I don’t want to see you from the outside,
I want to see you from within,
And get cosy with your shimmering soul.

Conceal me within you,
Please!
The world is filthy,
And sometimes you are too.
My eyes hurt.
Hide me within you,
I don't want to burn outside,
alone.....

~~ YOU ~~

You, my friend, are quicksilver and miracles.
You, my friend, are the space those miracles left behind.
You, my friend, are the sea in a jar.
You, my friend, are the midnight car racer who only wants to fly.
You, my friend, are the doors and cold moons in my mind.
You, my friend, are the passion and the brilliance and the bitterness
That remains behind in my soul
When all else is gone.

You, my friend, are breakfast and madness.
You, my friend, are the prince of this late summer institution.
You, my friend, are the air, clear as tears,
a soft medicine straight from the sky.

You, my friend, with your awe-inspiring smile
with your obscure wisdom
with your obsessions and compulsions
with your clean nails
with your barrier sweatshirt
with your rooftops and running
with your fear of germs
with your thick dark hair
with your knowing coffee-colored eyes
with your troubled past
with your thoughts of life
with your edge of fate
with your fresh laundry
with your hands of chess and stories
with your fear of heights and loneliness
with your darkness and your light
with your wish to summer camp with sad kids
with your mysteries and questions
with your triumphs and failures
with your newspaper lines
with your stories of home
with your parents and your family…

You, my friend, can’t see or hear
I am screaming inside my head.
If only you could see I’m with you in this madness,
I could let myself speak the truth,
but I’m afraid if I open my mouth, I’ll scream,
and if I scream, I won’t be able to stop.

You, my friend, dance with the shadows.
You, my friend, speak to the sky.
You, my friend, see the truth and the lies.
You, my friend, are the shadow of my dreams.
You, my friend, are red.
I am red. Red. Blood red.
My friend, we are both blood red.
My friend, we are two flamingos on fire.

Today...

Today
was the same as
yesterday.
And the day before
that.
And the day before
that.

The fortune teller said
I have a long life
ahead of me.
I may even live
to be
117 years old.

So…what is that
supposed to mean
to me?
Am I supposed to be
happy
That I may even have
104 years left
ahead of
me?

That
would be
37986 days.
911,664 hours
54,699,840 minutes.
3,281,990,400 seconds.

And yet as I watch
This clock on
the wall
It's not moving
at all
It's just frozen
in time.
If it doesn't move
soon,
I'm quite ready
to
Go out of
my mind.

If every single
second
Lasts as long
as this one does,
I'll die inside
And face an
eternity
Of somnambulism
Soullessly
Before I
reach
the end,
Before, I, finally
die...

~~ Goodbye ~~

Darling, I love you

But I only make you cry

All of this pain,
Does it fade when I die?

I only wish for you, there was

Some better way

To say,

Goodbye...

~~ Happiness ~~

Happiness evades me...

Time flies...

Which way to go?

Which key to chose?

I'm simply chasing the stars

No matter how fast I run

No matter how far

Those stars always slip away from me

Somehow...

~~ Heartbeats ~~

They say...
our hearts
beat around
2 billion times
in our lifetime.

I wonder
how many
has mine
beaten
so far?

It's kind of
scary, when
you think
about it.

Every time
it beats,
you're
one beat
closer
to
death.

How do
you know
you'll live
to feel the
beat
again?


You don't.
You can't.
You won't.
You can never tell.

And that's
what
scares
me.

I have
no way
of knowing
when
or if
it's going to
begin
or
end....

~~ Veracity ~~

People are lucky and unlucky not according to what they get absolutely, but according to the ratio between what they get and what they have been led to expect. Sometimes I feel I am the chosen one – chosen to deal with one problem after another. My mind yearns for peace. I am sick and tired of the restlessness I’ve been experiencing since ages now. Sometimes I want my brain to go dead…

…and sometimes I feel I’m being so ungrateful.

Every time everything seems to go right
Something precious to me goes out of sight
You wish to win and gain, yet to gain you need to lose some
I wish it wasn’t YOU who had to be the reason why I’m in such a confusion

I get a smile, a door opened for me
What could have possibly gone erroneous?
Why am I so stupid?
I should just go and slay myself.

I told myself things will be different this year
But apparently they are the same I fear
I just wish it hadn’t had to be you…

Why?
What do I possess?
I don't understand
But then again
Nothing makes sense to me…

Why am I so unlucky in love?
Have spent so long knowing
Knowing there is no hope
For the one that completes me
Not sure you would recognise me
If you were here

I watch, read and speak
I conjure up
The perfect you

Your voice
Your arms
How you will make me feel

You would think me pretty
Funny
Kind

We would be each others
Last phone call
And the first kiss

You will like me
For me

No lies
No games
No pretence


I am time's prisoner
Time that plays with my heart
But if you wish
I will try my hardest
To charm time
And have time

Let me love you
For now
I can promise nothing
Except an undying friendship
But the thought of you with another
Makes my heart ache
So there is hope
Forever there is hope
If you wish to waste your time
On a fool
Like me…

Yet I am wretched in love
And my ideals have disappeared
The you I created is not him
I am completed
Yet still broken
Will you recognise me
When I am there?

~~ Consistent curse ~~

I never knew being so imperfect could have its disadvantages,
Last time I checked people were still taking the most advantages,
I've come to realize that maybe it's not me but this place that surrounds me,

Bad luck seems to follow me wherever I may go,
They told me to not worry, "just go with the flow".
Life has already taken me past the road I wanted to travel,
Can I still change things? Is this possible to fathom?
It seems the things I want I can never have,
The things I don't want are always up for grabs,
Certainly I couldn't have been cursed with such servitude as this,
My mind numbs with the pain of again being one day without this certain blissful happiness,
Changing times: they neither feel nor hear any rhythm,
I wish I could be cured of this cursed loneliness,
I bid you farewell cursed wretched life, for you I no longer strive,
I'm happy with myself no matter what they may think or say,
It's me I have to deal with not the immutable force of "they".
Change me not, this place, this world can no longer do,
I may have changed, but I'm still unchangeable to "you".

~~ Being Old ~~

It's because you are so young,
You do not understand.

But I am old
As the jungle trees
That bloomed forever,
Old as the forgotten rivers
That flowed into the earth.

Surely I know what you do not know;
Joy of living,
Uselessness of things.
You are too young to understand yet.
Build another skyscraper
Of misdeeds and greeds
Touching the stars.
I sit with my back against my past
And watch skyscrapers tumble
And stars forget.
Solomon built a temple
And similarly, it must have fallen down.
It isn't here now.

Well, Love, I'll tell you:
Life for me wasn't a crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards tattered up,
And places with no carpet on the floor --
Cold and bare.
But all the time
I've been climbing on,
And reaching new lands,
And turning corners,
And sometimes getting in the dark
Where there has been no light of hope.
Only desperation.

So boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
Cause you find it hard.
Don't you fall now…

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

Bring me all of your dreams,
Sweet dreamer,
Bring me all your
Heart melodies
That I may wrap them
In a blue cloud-cloth
Away from the too-rough fingers
Of the world.
I will be your dream keeper…

Darling, I know some things, being old,
Which you still do not understand...