~~ Slumber anecdotes ~~

Stories will always run deep,
In the scrap of paper bearing doodles of incoherent nothings,
In Sunday mornings lost in frenzy,
In the charred pan while trying a salmon steak,
In the lazy look at the undone laundry,
In the broken dishes while performing house keeping aerobics,
In the haste to get out of office to catch a friend's rerun,
In the worried voice querying the misplaced car keys,
In the drizzle leaving a watermark on the wall that looks exactly like a heart,
In the long lost novel recovered from a friend,
In the coming up with names for your colleagues daughter.

And my diary will always have that one more last page
Where I'll add another smiley
As I write one more story down.
Yeah, stories of these little moments.
Moments that I don't plan,
Don’t wait for,
Don’t remember for long.
But just pull out once in a while,
From the shelves of my memory,
When I need a resurrection,
That life is beautiful...

Life of an Urchin

Was it something I did?
Was it something I said?
Did you not want a kid?
Is that why you fled?

It is to late now,
It will never be the same.
The time had changed me.
The past is to blame.

Without knowing who you are,
I feel like I don't know myself.
I always wonder about who you could be.
Do you do the same? Or is it just me?

Do you ever think,
of how things could be?
I never knew you,
But I hope you know me.

No one is showing me the way.
How am I supposed to know?
There is a saying,
Every action is learned.

Through fire, rain, wind and snow
On me travels I sadly go,
Blistering deserts and frozen lands
No caressing hands.

I don't know what to do
I don't know which way to go.
I thought parents were the guiding hand,
Put there to help us grow.

Life is so free, yet so restricted,
From all happiness I am evicted.
The earth is so full, yet so much more empty,
I sit in silence as all eyes watch me.

The world plays together, yet I am so alone,
We all have shelter but I have no home.
Everyone is cared for, yet I am so neglected,
They make fun of me, no sadness is detected.

Everyone matters, yet I am called names,
They will call me a tramp, I know, they are all the same,
They hit me, hurt me, yet I feel no pain,
I know tomorrow they will do it again.

Do I try to make it alone
With nothing to fall back on?
Do I keep searching for answers,
For some clue of what I seek?

But it seems,
that no matter how hard I try,
I never find anything.
I just end up flipping at the beginning.

I have tried everything I know.
Where do I go from here?
You are supposed to have the answers,
And build me up with cheer.

I don't know what you expect,
Or what you dream,
All I know is that you’re my father,
But none knows if the sun will ever shine for me out there.

~~ Love After Love ~~

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

We spend our lives running after people and dreams to make them give us some worth, love us, treasure us. But what we don't do is give ourselves the same. I have always believed, if only we gave ourselves half the worth that was denied to us by that someone significant behind whom we ran all out lives, yet never got a quarter of what we gave away, we could be so much better humans, happier humans, contented humans. The piece just reinstated that all over again.

The space that I can call mine is so small that my ideas have become small. I am like a caterpillar in a cocoon of paper; all around me are sketches for sculptures, small drawings that seem like moths fluttering against the windows, beating their wings to escape from this tiny space. Every day the ideas come more reluctantly, as though they know I will starve them and stunt their growth.

Of course, some people, me included, believe that punk is just the most recent manifestation of this, this spirit, this feeling, you know, that things aren't right and that in fact things are so wrong that the only thing we can do is to say “Damn It”, over and over again, really loud, until someone stops us.

Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now I wait for him. He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?

He had said something interesting: he said that he thinks there is only free will when you are in time, in the present. He says in the past we can only do what we did, and we can only be there if we were there.

I keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way.

I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I'm tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that's been under the snow all winter. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by absence?

I converse with my conscience most of the time.
"Do you ever miss him?"
"Every day. Every minute and every breath I take", I say.
Every single minute. Yes, it's that way, isn't it?

"Is it better to be extremely happy for a short time, even if you lose it, than to be just ok for your whole life?"
It comes out so quietly that I have to ask her to repeat it: "It’s just that I thought maybe you feel you were married to him."
"It's hard being left behind. I wait for him, not knowing where he is, wondering if he's okay. It's hard to be the one who stays."

"How does it feel?
It feels exactly like one of those dreams in which you suddenly realize that you have to take a test you haven't studied for and you aren't wearing any clothes. And you've left your wallet at home.
When I am out there, in time, I am inverted, changed into a desperate version of myself. I become a thief, a vagrant, an animal who runs and hides. I startle old women and amaze children. I am a trick, an illusion of the highest order, so incredible that I am actually true.

I feel guilty for wanting to avoid the sadness, dead people need us to remember them, even if it eats us, even if all we can do is say “I am sorry”, until its as meaningless as air.

I smile in an exhausted but warm sort of way, as though I am a brilliant sun in some other galaxy.
Everyone likes me that way.

~~ For every moment ~~

For moments when my soul feels rubbed raw
For moments when places in my heart need to thaw
For moments when I feel I’ve lost it all
For moments when so far I fall


I need to remember you’re here with me
Even in the dark when I cannot see
I need to remember your love for me
That binds these chains and sets me free


For moments when my hope is dim
For moments when all life seems grim
For moments when fears come in the night
For moments when I loose view of the light


I need to remember your faithfulness
I need to remember you’ll never love me less
No matter what I do you’re at my side
And there is no darkness in which I can hide


For moments when I’m drowning in my tears
For moments when I’m haunted by old fears
For moments when I feel alone
For moments when my life seems a dry bone


I need to remember your love never fails
And brings me back when I’m off on bunny trails
I need to remember you’re holding me
And let you open my eyes so I can see


For moments when my spirit’s in turmoil
For moments when emotions boil
For moments when anguish breaks my heart
For moments when I feel apart


I need to remember your light will never fade
And there is a reward for those who dive instead of wade
Your river of life will sustain my soul
The gift you gave is what makes me whole


For moments when I have no friend
For moments when I just want to let the enemy win
For moments when the world closes in
For moments when I’m suffocating in my sin


I need to remember you have not left me
I need you to know that every tear that falls
Erodes away what's left of my heart.
Every tear that falls
Is just another rain drop
Every tear that falls
Smears every memory
That I have of you and me.

By your strength I can overcome
So now into your stretched arms I wait to run.

~~ Abandoned ~~

In my hour of need,
No, you're not there
And though I reached out for you,
Wouldn't lend a hand

Through the darkest hour,
Your grace did not shine on me
Feels so cold, very cold,
No one cares for me

Did you ever think I get lonely?
Did you ever think that I needed love?
Did you ever think?
Stop thinking
You're the only one that I'm thinking of?

You'll never know how hard I tried
To find my space and satisfy you too

Things will be better when I'm dead and gone
Don't try to understand?
Knowing you, I'm probably wrong

But, oh how I lived my life for you,
Till you'd turn away
Now, as I die for you,
My flesh still crawls as I breathe your name
All these years, thought I was wrong,
Now I know it was you
Raise you head, raise your face, your eyes,
Tell me who you think you are?

I walk alone
To the Promised Land
There's a better place for me
But it's far, far away

Everlasting life for me
In a perfect world
But I got to die first,
Please God, send me on my way

Time has a way of taking time
Loneliness is not only felt by fools
Alone, I call to ease the pain,
Yearning to be held by you
Alone, so alone, I'm lost,
Consumed by the pain
The pain, the pain, the pain
Won't you hold me again?
You just laughed…

My whole life is work built on the past,
The time has come when all things shall pass,

Just like
This good thing passed away…

IN JUST A SECOND

An atom gets 94 million years older
In an atomic second
But this solar system gets one second older
Time is relative to one beat of a heart per second

~~ Who am I ~~

I did not fall from the sky
Nor I descend like a plague of locusts
To drink color and strength from the earth
And I do not come like rain
As a tribute or symbol for earth's becoming
Dark and open
Some times I fall like night
Softly
And terrible
Only when I must die
In order to rise again.

I do not come like a secret warrior
With an unsheathed sword in my mouth
Hidden behind my tongue
Slicing my throat to ribbons
Of service with a smile
While the blood runs
Crawling bravely under my skin
Through my eyes
I see the world cascade.

Blinded by the friendliness of the cosmetic sun
But stretched back into darkness.

Battered by the bloodless teeth of the rain.

Still thirsty through the pool of flooded days
I kiss every bud to a new bloom.

I fetch you colours from the rainbow.

I am pure innocence behind all form.

I am the raging force in every storm.

I am the laughter of children having fun.

I am the glistening wave that reflects the sun.

I have returned, tears tainted with the glory of a new tomorrow.

I returned, illuminated and evolved…

I come like a woman
Who I am
Spreading out through nights
Laughter and promise
And dark heat
Warming whatever I touch
Wake up to beauty ethereal.

I who have seen this far,

That is living
Consuming
Only
What is already dead...