CHEEKS, BUTTERFLIES, CHOCOLATE AND CONFESSIONS

It was New Year's Eve. There she sat, all dressed up, in the company of many friends. The setting was an exquisite New York style upscale bar. Tuxedos and glittering cocktail dresses were abound. All the pretty people from the city wearing seasonal styles and seasonal smiles. Flashing gold cards were frequently passed about for a round of cocktails. There were low whispers and soft, melodic jazz tinkling in the background.

She sat there on a high bar stool. She could feel the soft silk of her chocolate satin gown flowing against her body. In the glow of the candlelit table, she lazily drank a vodka martini, heavy on the olive juice, while slowly puffing a miniature cigar. Those around her were patiently waiting for the arrival of new expectations, the arrival of new goals, new faces and new places. They secretly and silently dreamed of another chance at another year.

This year, she was alone. She wasn't alone at the table, but simply alone. The dashing young attorney at her side, who politely bought her drinks, belonged to someone else. The others at the table were paired. She tossed back her mane of dark curls and looked around the room but nothing caught her attention. Too many pretty boys with too much arrogance, she thought. Her own big, dark eyes seemed to penetrate the room, the walls, the facade that hung heavy in the air.

Suddenly, she felt an overwhelming desire to flee. It came from nowhere. All she knew was that she had to get out. It was 11:30 p.m. She felt stifled. She felt captured. She had to leave immediately. After asking a bewildered couple for a ride, her destination was one of impulsive glee.

It was a dark, seedy lounge. Most of the crowd there were regulars -- women with big hair and tight jeans; men with beards, cowboy boots and hungry eyes. She walked through the crowd knowing no one. She could feel the eyes upon her. Her appearance was not easily concealed.

She pulled out a cigarette and asked a guy in a cut-off denim shirt for a light. An announcement was made in a husky voice, "TEN MINUTES UNTIL MIDNIGHT." At that moment, she realized she would be standing alone in another place, but alone. Hastily, she put out her cigarette and decided to head out the door and welcome in the New Year on the nearby railroad tracks by herself. She wanted to just stand and listen to the city celebrate. This year, that would be enough.

Her last lover had left her in September. It was the night of her birthday. He never called. He never called again. Sometimes she missed his unshaven face, dark, sad eyes and tangled mess of dirty blonde hair. But he was committed to something with which she could not compete. He had not left her for another woman nor his work. His work had suffered too. He was out there somewhere celebrating with an old, Irish friend he fondly called "James." James lived in a bottle.

It was at the exit that he caught her eye. He was standing by the door, drinking a longneck beer. She was almost startled by the fact that this man looked like something out of a movie. He didn't belong here. He was a strong, well-built, tall, handsome man. He had those sharp facial features typical of his ancestral family males. He had a huge frame but there was something very gentle and soft about him. He had that deadly combination of mischief and mystery about him. He seemed absolutely fearless in any situation, physical or spiritual. He had an absolutely unshakable attitude which didn't remain concealed from others either. He did not have the slightest doubt as to his purpose in life. He was alone. His straight, short hair was the colour of dark brown silk.

"FIVE MINUTES UNTIL MIDNIGHT," came the announcement.

Then she did something so spontaneous, so irrational, so impulsive, it took her by surprise. She walked up to him.

"Are you alone?" she asked.

He nodded "yes."

"Why don’t you join us?" she said.

He smiled. He nodded. He bought her a beer.

She barely remembered the countdown. She barely remembered the cheers, the fireworks, the noise. All she remembered were his lips, and the huskiest voice coming out of those sensual lips.

He looked into her big eyes and kept talking. He was a stranger and in town connected to his work, but only for a few days. He was dressed simply in jeans and a white shirt and spoke with the most exotic foreign accent she had ever heard. He was the most beautiful man she had ever met. His clear, hazel eyes and strawberry blonde hair reminded her of mountains, fresh air and sunshine.


She laughed. For the next two hours, they talked, laughed and looked into each other's eyes as though they had always known each other. She never felt so high.

Initially he seemed to be a nobody. He did turn out to be one, but my dearest Cheryl acted so stupidly that night, I couldn't understand why. Was she testing my temper ratio, or was she really interested? I know her; passion fuels everything she does. Without it she will try to look for it anywhere out of this world: she will either attract some unfortunate disease and die or eventually kill herself. She's been my girlfriend for quite some time now, but I never know what to expect from her. If you ask her, she doesn't even know what she's going to do next! Everything was so terrible that night; I'll never forget what happened...

*** Love ***

"So, what do you do Bob?" He asked me with his stupid mannerism.
"Oh, yes, I thought I already told you that, I'm a director." I never believed she would be so radiantly surprised: "Oh my God! A theater director or a movie director?

Theater of course.

Oh my God! Honey, did you hear that?" He barely smiled to her when she said that. "It's is so wonderful... I love theater," she went on. "It's a passion, you know what I mean, it's a bit more than a hobby...Oh I'm so thrilled to be chatting with a director! What was your last play?

Oh... An Awaited death.

Oh my God! It's my favorite this year! I love it I just loved it, it was so brilliant... Congratulations, oh I have to tell you I came out completely mesmerized..." But he had to interrupt her."I don't seem to remember that play my darling.

"Of course you don't... it's the one I went to see with my sister, you were busy." She said in the sweetest viperous way. Thank God this made him shut up and leave her alone! So I quickly engaged in a conversation about the issue:

"So, since you loved it so much, why don't you tell me what you really liked and disliked about it?" Yeah right...Just go on...try to get her to like you more! Play the modest! You're a director, so this means you're a better actor than all the ones who work for you!

And there she was talking to me...yes to me and me alone. It was as if she had completely forgotten about her partner. Objectively, I really mean objectively he's a boring creature! I don't seem to know what this princess is doing with him. What does she see in him? He doesn't even accompany her all the time, so why doesn't he leave now? She's so different. Is she the one? Yes, she's the one I saw a couple of days ago. Maybe I should ask her! Yes, I will as soon as she finishes talking about theatre. My God I could spend the whole night just listening to her, to the music in her voice, to the trills of her laugh. It was as if she was telling me things about my job that I had never heard before. She talked about my play criticizing it in a very delightful manner.

"In that case," I ingeniously proposed, "would you like to come and see the actors, you know talk to them, maybe give us some new ideas? Or even help me in my next play... I'm in the process of writing and directing a new one. Would you like to help me? I could use a female touch..."
Had I offered her the world, she wouldn't have been so amazed. She blushed. She really blushed, too much I believe. Then she threw me a "this is too much for me" smile. It wasn't too much for her; it was too much for me. The more she spoke, the more I dreamt. I was very conscious of what she was saying and yet in my head all the crazy, weird ideas were flashing. This blush...it was her at the café the other day.

It was a very usual Thursday morning. Really, nothing was happening. Nobody was even writing a critique about my play in the paper anymore. I passed by this café. It looked nice. Suddenly, it didn't just look nice, but rather spectacular. My focal point zoomed to a particular spot in the scenery. She was there...alone reading the paper...a cup of coffee, or was it chocolate? Yes, it was chocolate...she had dense hair, I don't remember...but the sunlight added glow to its ribbons. She was wearing this blue silk shirt... she looked so fresh like she was covered in the petals of a violet. I found myself standing right at her table. She didn't even realize I was there. She was so busy reading a specific article. Then I said: "Excuse me miss, would you mind if I sat here?" She looked at me, then with a blush "Of course not, please do." But she kept reading and didn't speak to me once! I sat there amazed by her. Do you think she didn't realize that? She didn't seem to. She wasn't that beautiful! But there was something about her. This divine air, this peaceful agitation in her being...Oh, she just sipped her chocolate. I was afraid with every sip she took: this meant she would be leaving soon! Mary...no, no too banal. So Jennifer. No, too modern. Annabelle! Too silly...what could possibly be her name? She inspired something, but what name does this belong to? I wish I could talk to her, say something you silly fool! I just couldn't. I am not the shy kind! Was it this first sight they talk about so much? Or was it her? She seemed to enjoy being alone, I felt I had no right to enter this "secret garden" of hers. Suddenly, my daydream was interrupted by a slight horn. It was a beautiful black car. She jumped off her chair with the most admirable lightness, finished her chocolate quickly and ran to the car. Oh, her bag, she forgot it. This was my chance! As I was getting up to fetch it and run after her, I barely saw her running back and leave with it again. She seemed to be from another planet where time is much ahead of mine! I couldn't follow up with her. She was much too quick a vision. Was it he in the car? I think so; he keeps spoiling our moments!

"Tell me something, I said again, were you by any chance at the café de Paris on Thursday morning? "
"Yes, I was actually. I always go there in the morning; it's such a lovely place to be in. Why do you ask? "
"Oh, well I think you're the one I sat at the table with." She tried to remember... Oh, so it wasn't her! Never mind she's better anyway.
Then she said,"Oh! Thursday morning! Yes, yes it was you then? Oh, it's such a small world! I'm sorry I didn't remember you. Usually in the mornings I don't pay much attention to anything..." She was justifying herself. She didn't have to. She likes me.

The music played: "Heaven, I'm in heaven, and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak. And I seem to find the happiness I seek, when we're out together dancing cheek to cheek...Oh, I'd love to climb a mountain and to reach its highest peak, but it doesn't thrill me half as much as dancing cheek to cheek"...
I was dying to dance with her; if only I could talk to her...I was waiting, ardent for her to look at me with those long eyelashes like wings of a butterfly clapping against each other. I was waiting for someone to introduce us...for me to be able to touch her hand so delicate... The first day I met Cheryl, she was wearing her pink dress: she had her hair up, thus uncovering a spectacular neck that millions of sculptors sought to carve. As for her dress, it only teasingly uncovered a side of her shoulder, leaving the rest mysterious; then float fairly until her knees paving the way to impeccable legs, carefully finished with slightly varnished toes. It was hopeless. This girl of my dreams was to remain a vision, until: "Excuse me, could you please pass me one of the glasses next to you?" Finally, the butterflies flew towards me.

"Of course, what would you like to drink?
Oh, some wine...
Back then, she wasn't on very good terms with her boyfriend, and I became her friend and confidant: all the little untamed secrets were revealed to me. This intimacy-loving creature would tell me everything. She became a friend, an excellent friend I would say. I was hoping for more, and yet, she was just perfect that way, she would laugh at my jokes, listen to what I have to say, make me have the greatest times of my life...by just being my friend. She never saw my intentions, and if she did, she had a great way of concealing it. The D-day came. This was the day when she broke up. It was the happiest day of my life, because she cried on my shoulder. That was the New Year Eve. Then, as the time passed, we gradually became lovers, and have been the best for two years now.

*** Loath ***

Will he be the next "honey"? The next "little genius"? Will he be the one to touch your lips, taste them and devour their essence? Will he take over to fulfil your dreams and with no remorse, drive you into destroying me better? Will he be this other, this intruder when I cease to exist? Will he cover our days with the sweet blanket of forgetfulness? Will he do our same gestures and take my place around your neck? Will he get to know your scenes of sudden fury and anger? He will first take away "I love you" from you, and then, I know it, he will take your lips and the rest of you. Thus, he will bury me forever in the back of your head, in this world you can only remember if you're old enough to forget.

When I think about all this, I get jealous. Is it over? It can't be, we were great...It's making me go insane. Cheryl, I got the message, just stop sitting with him, stop being interested. I'll give you till the count of ten. If you don't realize that I'm not next to you anymore, I am going to kill you. I'm serious; I am going to kill you. I will be the last one you love and make love to ...1...2...3...4...5...6...6...I said 6...7...7 and a half...8...9...My Cheryl is dead. "Honey, why are you sitting all alone here?" What, she's here? She's going to die anyway. I can't stand her. "I'm tired." "Then let's go home." Perfect, I have to finish her immediately, "yes, let's go home."

"Well, at least the party is nice. Sue Ann is known for organizing warm gatherings, so why did she invite this "marvel"? Yes, I'm worried. I AM WORRIED! I feel horrible. My Cheryl...this is my Cheryl, I found her first! She's mine, so leave her alone. Look at her, oh, she's so spirited. She's really a darling: if I was he, and she was talking about my play this way, I'd fall in love with her instantly. What can I say? I can't say anything. I never saw the play, never heard of it...I don't like him...I adore her... Cheryl, I hate how you're talking to him. OK, you're getting back at me? I know I shouldn't have told you. Now, I understand what you meant by "I can hurt you so bad you'll never believe."

While we said our good-byes to all the people at the party, including Bob, I was thinking about the perfect crime: a car accident? Stab her in the back? Rape her? Make love to her then break her neck? Yes, that’s the perfect one, I'll certainly be the last. I won't talk to her in the car, she's such a ... I can't stand her. Still I had to open the door for her in front of everybody else. Clap! On the road, she wasn't saying anything. Even if she does, I thought, I won't talk to her. But why isn't she talking? How come she's not as excited as ever? How come she's not laughing because she remembered something funny that happened during the party? Did she realize she did something wrong? Did she know that she has torn me apart? Did she feel her end was near? Then, suddenly, her toxic voice came out of nowhere: "I had a good time, the party wasn't brilliant, but it wasn't so bad. The food was Ok. I mean, at least I'm not going home hungry. Sue Ann is always so nice, she's very funny, I always enjoy chatting with her...I can't wait to get home, and my shoes are killing me. I feel so drained! I had a very long day today; it's good we're going home early, I need some sleep. You could've told me that you were tired earlier; we didn't have to stay so long. So my little engineer, did you enjoy your time?" I found myself saying: "Oh, it was wonderful my darling, just wonderful had it not been for my headache."
I slid out my .3 pocket revolver and with shaking hands placed it on her head. “I'll give you till the count of ten. If you don't realize that I'm not next to you anymore, I am going to kill you. I'm serious; I am going to kill you. I will be the last one you love and make love to ...1...2...3...4...5...6...6...I said 6...7...7 and a half...8...9...My Cheryl is dead. It all started at this stupid party we both went to. Actually, I'm the one who insisted on going I ended up regretting it. You are going to die.”

There was this deadly silence inside. Outside the crowd had started the countdown and the firecrackers lit the sky. "FIVE MINUTES UNTIL MIDNIGHT," came the announcement. Cheryl starred into my eyes "It's not alright this time. I have given you enough chances. I swore, if you lay a finger on me again, I would hurt you so much, you'll never believe this happened”, smiled at me, planted a kiss, which seemed to be her typical goodbye kiss, and then she got out of the car and disappeared...she disappeared... she melted in the crowd and yet she was still there...like a grain of salt when it dissolves in the water, its taste remains...I thought it was over for me...she hates me...I shattered the "me" she knew! I saw this coming...I shouldn't have told her. She knew what she was saying: If you betray me or my love, don't let me know. I shattered us, I shattered me, I shattered her image of respect and pride in front of my friends. I had doubted her all through and for the vengeance slept with many. You just reflect your persona. What you see around is what you are filled within. How true!! I was full of betrayal and I saw infidelity all around...Clap...She knocked the door so hard that even her image didn’t seem to come back. I shouted from within,"Don’t go Cheryl. Just listen to me for once for God's sake!"