It pays to be FREE

Zahir, in Arabic, means visible, present, incapable of going unnoticed. It is someone or something which, once we have come into contact with them or it, gradually occupies our every thought, fills our entire being, until we can think of nothing else. This can be considered either a state of holiness or madness.

While I was fighting for a cause, I heard other people speaking in the name of freedom, and the more they defend this unique right, the more enslaved they seemed to be to their parents’ wishes, to a marriage in which they had promised to stay with the other person ‘for the rest of their lives’, to the bathroom scales, to their diet, to half-finished projects, to lovers to whom they were incapable of saying “No” or “It’s over”. To weekends when they were obliged to have lunch with people they didn’t even like. Slaves to luxury, to the appearance of luxury. Slaves to life they had not chosen, but which they had decided to live because someone had managed to convince them that it was all for the best. And so their identical days and nights passed, days and nights in which adventure was just a word in a book or an image on the television that was always on, and whenever a door opened, they would say: “ I ‘m not interested. I’m not in the mood.”

Staring at the mirror everyday,
She hates the one looking back at her face.
Her imperfect features, her dull eyes,
Which beauty magazines don't seem to embrace.
She tries to be someone everybody adores,
And in the event losing her own identity.
Look inside you, not the mirror,
You might find the person you were meant to be...

I do not regret the painful times; I bear my scars as if they were medals. I know that freedom has a high price, as high as that of slavery; the only difference is that you pay with pleasure and a smile, even when that smile is dimmed by tears.

Freedom. The freedom to be wretchedly alone.

Happiness

Happiness, to some, elation;
Is, to others, mere stagnation.
Days of passive somnolence,
At its wildest, indolence.
Hours of empty quietness,
No delight and no distress.

Happiness to me is wine,
Effervescent, superfine.
Full of tang and fiery pleasure,
Far too hot to leave me leisure
For a single thought beyond it.
Intoxicated! Forgetful! This is the bond:
It means to give one's soul to gain
Life's quintessence. Even pain
Pricks to livelier living, then
Wakes the nerves to laugh again,
Rapture's self is three parts sorrow.
Although we must die tomorrow,
Losing every thought but this;
Frayed, triumphant, drowned in bliss.

Happiness: We rarely feel it.
I would buy it, beg it, steal it,
Pay in coins of dripping blood
For this one transcendent good.

And fill my every bit of breath,

With the everlasting moment

of commemoration.

The parallel tracks

I slowly exerted pressure on my calf muscles and raised my body. I swayed a bit but I controlled myself and started to walk along the tracks even as the ballast hurt my feet. I stared at the tracks, when somebody held my hand.

“I Love you… Baby,” Akrit said, the word baby personifying his love towards me. There was this particular grin plastered across my face which meant I was the happiest girl in this world. Akrit clasped my hand and held it close to his heart. I could feel the warmth of his love. At the moment, I had only one wish.
Leave behind everything and walk with him down these tracks till the point where they meet. He wrapped his hand around my slender waist and pulled me closer to him when my hair doused his shoulder as my head rested on it before my eyelids dropped dead while we started to walk along.

There was a loud sound. Yet I never cared to open my eyes. I can go the distance, blindly when Akrit’s with me.

The honking became incessantly loud when I felt a force pushing me and the next moment I was off the tracks. I stared at the tracks and pushed myself along them. The knee length milk skirt which I wore was tattered. Blood oozed from the calf area and I pulled myself.
“Are you short of the slab? Can’t you see a train coming your way?” Tina hollered at me.

Ever since Akrit broke up with me, I was out of my mind. Two years of love, how could he ever forget? I have given him my heart and soul. They say, love is blind. For me, faith is also equally blind.

“I am too emotionally attached to you, Akrit,” I said and paused for a while. “You will always be there… for me?” I wasn’t questioning his faith, I thought. He looked into my eyes and held my cheeks with his fingers. “You won’t ditch me right?” I asked him. I was frightened. He was nicest guy I have ever met. And he loved me a lot too.

When you have something which you hold above everything else in this world, you always have the fright of losing it. So you are possessive of it, never let it go away from you.

“I promise,” he said with a kiss on my forehead. And we continued walking down the tracks as there were tears in my eyes, tears of happiness that cascaded down my cheeks. I wiped the tears off my cheeks. I was always frightened that I would lose him and so did I. Not that I never had faith in him, but that’s the way of love.
Tina, my best friend is trying to console me. “I will never let him marry another girl,” I said.

Initially, I was angry with him. But as days passed by, the ephemeral anger subdued and the abysmal love surfaced. I missed him. I loved him so much.

“The tracks are a way of thinking in life. Both the tracks should run parallel. From either side, there should be love. Only then a journey called life becomes meaningful on a train called love. He doesn’t like you anymore. Whatever you do, he isn’t going to come back. And you will also forget the pain in a few months if not years,” Tina delivered her speech and continued, “So trash these feelings of yours and resume your journey on these tracks called life.”

“But they tend to converge as they approach the horizon. My love for you will die only at that point,” he said with a smile.
“Poetic, huh?” I raised my brow.
“Romantic,” he replied.
“And you will be very well dead at that point where it dies,” I looked straight into his eyes.
There was a lot of commotion around. I have reached the platform but I still walked from between the tracks. People were aghast to see a girl in a skirt drenched in blood walk along the tracks.
Drops of blood trickled down the knife.
“What are you doing?” Tina rushed towards me. I just slashed my wrists.
“Look at this…” I showed her my wrist.
Everybody could see was a speeding train coming along the tracks.
I told this story to my husband as we waiting for the train, on the platform.
“How do you know her story so well?” he asked me. I worked as a psychologist.
“And you mean to say she’s dead?” he asked me one more and kept bombarding, “What happened to Tina?”
“Tina is an alter ego of her. Tina never existed. It was her own self which kept convincing her that she should go on with her life even after the break up,” I replied.
“What happened to Akrit?” he asked.
“Akrit’s dead body was found a few miles from the station. Police ascertained that he was stabbed by a woman, most probably the same girl. But she was never found again.”
“Why did she slit her wrists? She killed herself?” he said winking at me, “the last one, please”
“Every one else were of the same opinion,” I said as I rolled up my sleeve and looked at the scars on my wrist.
The train slowly pulled itself along the tracks and I resumed my journey.

Just let it be

Last night I was enveloped
in questions
that almost felt pre-natal…
I felt like I had not emerged
from the womb of life…
I felt the amniotic fluid surrounding me
life was non-existent…
I had not known it yet

In bursts
I felt the meaning
of my existence
stand out in relief
… as I tried to plunge deeper
the ignorance eluded me…

I knew
I could have gone deeper
into that state
but chose to return to life
and away from the chasm…

That trance like state
could have pulled me deeper inside it
it seems to offer answers
for it brings forth so many questions…
but no answers it gives…
only the feeling
of being able to reach somewhere…
but not taking us anywhere…

Our best bet
is to be close to reality
close to the truth of our lives…
if any answers we'll ever find
we'll find it in the midst of life.

Perhaps we should do nothing.
Just let it be.
Let it be.
Let things happen at the
pace at which
mother nature intends
them to be.
Watch the things
unfold at their own rate
whether hurried or late.
Hurry not things
that are meant to delay
and delay not things that
are meant to happen
in a hurry.
Just let it be.
Let it be….

When I Am Gone

One day I’ll be gone, as we all have to go –
Then do not be sad or afraid, my dearest,
For I will always be around you.

You’ll find me in the promise of the rainbow,
When the sun shines thru’ the gloom of dismal clouds.
So don’t let cherished hopes ever forsake you.

In the hazy mist on hilltops you’ll catch glimpses of me,
Flitting by the moon I’ll be the shining cloud you’ll see,
Gathering stardust to shower blessings on you.

I’ll flash by on the dazzling blue of a kingfisher’s wings
To fill your heart with memories of joyful things.
So keep all sorrows at abeyance from you.

With the breeze I’ll waft in thru’ your window
To plant gentle, caressing kisses on your brow,
And softly whisper my true love for you.

When you lie in bed, I’ll glide down a silver moonbeam,
And alight upon your tranquil lids - serenely dream.
I’ll chase distressful thoughts miles away from you.

As darkness mellows into the rosy flush of dawn,
I’ll smile up from crystal dewdrops on your lawn.
And cheer will adorn the new day for you.

In gleeful abandon I will chirp with the birds,
So begin each day without pain and hurts.
Let life be an endless celebration for you.

When velvet petals are kissed open by the wakening sun,
You’ll see me in their tender hearts, my loved one,

I’ll never ever be too far from you.

Just for a while

Let me sit by your side only for a while
Today whatever work I have
I shall do later
As long as I don’t see your face
My heart knows no peace
Even dipped in a lot of work
I feel I am lost in a sea
I will let the day flit by
Spring has come to my window
Surging
The lazy bee has come to my garden
Humming
Today it is time for us to sit twined
Gazing into each other’s eyes
Today is the time to hum in peace
The song of our mutual gift of love....

Yours with love and rancour

He had been angry.
But then he laughed, and there was madness in his eyes, like magical swirling stars, spiralling through space.
He smiled more kindly, and calmness pervaded.

She had been lost in the darkness, dancing to the musical sound of Nature, aroused by its sensual beauty. But then the music had stopped, the energy was gone, and now there was nothing but her heavy breathing.
"I was watching you dance" he smiled again, more gently, but she could tell, though divine madness touched his soul, that he was amused.

His eyes seem to penetrate hers, and she felt his gaze turn to her body. She felt his eyes on the exposed curve of her neck and her subtle face and suddenly through her mind flickered the image of the man, his hand taking hers, pulling her close and gently kissing her lustrous lips - she shuddered and blinked, breathing heavily, breaking his mesmerising stare. He smiled again and she sensed, as their eyes touched, that he knew she lusted for his strange tender touch.

"Shall we walk by the stars and stare lazily at the sky, for I am told it is a most grand sight, and I must tell you a short sad story" he thus spoke. And she nodded without voice, for his madness had touched her, stolen her words and replaced them with breathless space.

So they escaped together into the darkness of the night, and she felt the comfort of this strange man's hand in hers as they walked together through the devil's dark space. Until they entered a path into a plantation of pines, and though the trees disturbed him, still they were silent sentinels standing tall in the night, calling them, “Come to me, come to me, come to humanity ...”
"Let us lie in soft scented pine leaves and watch the cosmos dance" he spoke seriously and she sensed that he was somehow disturbed by his own thoughts.
"For you know that you have added the essence to the, and their burning beauty resides within" he said softly, and he sensed the shimmering stars in her eyes.
"But now I must tell you a story of this space, this nature that you love. For while these trees have beauty, they do not belong" And she sensed the heaviness of his voice, and the burden that he carried.
"For once, long ago, people like you came to this place, and they danced and celebrated in nature's beauty, and they thought it was for them to consume for their pleasure."
"And so they consumed, without thought for the future and knowledge of the past, in joyful blissful ignorance they consumed, until at last there was nothing left."
"And then they left, and the machines came, and the plantations came, the noise of factories, until nature finally died" and tears blurred his stars, distorting the world he now saw so clearly.
"So it is true, as you say, my once startling cape of kindness and gentleness and compassion is full of holes and torn at the shoulder. For I can no longer live with those who consume without thought, who destroy with their ignorance, and dare chide me for clinging to my broken humour"

What strange simplification and falsification mankind lives in! One can never cease to marvel once one has acquired eyes for the marvel. How he makes every thing around him bright and free and easy and simple!

"I must leave you now, for I have serious work to do, dangerous and it requires a brutal mind. It is not a work for one so young who wishes only pleasure and lightness, without consequent or thought"
"Perhaps one day you will come too, follow to begin, and learn and help, and one day lead. I cannot say. But it is no longer a game to me, for the world I love is dying"
And he cried as he walked through the darkness of night, but still his eyes burned brightly, watching the stars, his lonely friends, in their endless cosmic dance...
He murmured silently,

“Gradually the poisoned fabric dissolves, and I feel
the fresh morning air caressing my closed eyelids.
But by nightfall my obsession would rouse itself once more,
and thousands of ants would crawl across my lips;
the mirror showed me bursting with health,
but a hidden disease was rotting the marrow in my very bones.
My face sometimes looks so vacant, so expressionless.
At times all my endeavours seem vanity,
Happiness becomes a false lure, and the world wears a
Mocking, illusory mask of Nothingness.
Misfortune and misery has erupted into the world,
Philosophy and literature have become as essential to
Me as the very air I breathe.”