Obsessively, compulsed, and disordered. Anxiety-ridden and pill popping. Insomniac one day, hypersomnia the next. High soaring skies, deep valley lows. Today is yesterday’s future and tomorrow will be today’s threat. Impossibility but possibly magnanimous. Throat muscles clench. The strain. They have quick jolts. Hard to breathe. It’s hard to exhale. A flood approaches in the north while an earthquake stirs in the south. Is it time to go yet? The sky is closing in. Everyone seems bigger. The skin crawls. Scratch, scratch, and scratch the maggots away. Did you see how big that one was? Pulsating legs, fast beating heart. Take my hand. It is sweating but cold. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Only two minutes have passed. Look down. Look at the watch. Scratch your arm. Look up. Watch out for that car. Watch out for the cars in the opposite direction. Step back. Step BACK. Wait on the curb. The short hand begins. Tick. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tick. Tock. Green. Go. Cross. Look up. Are we there? No. When did the commute take a century? Help. I may collapse. Am I turning a sesquipedalianist?
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. What time is it? Not five o’clock? Ugh. Look busy. Turn your head. Look busy. What else can I Google? Google about birthdates, dogs, herbal medicine, etc. Is it too early to Google about Black Friday? Ugh. How am I feeling today? I’m not sure. I think a bit better. I’m still slightly sad but better than I was about three to four days ago. I’ve been feeling extra lonely. Growing up I’ve always had this image of myself of someone in a wealthy lifestyle but all alone. I was to amass a fortune, attend galas, donate lots of money but be alone. My life was one of making and giving away money. I didn’t picture a husband, kids or a dog. I thought corporate world would build me up to be one of its minions. Sadly, the being alone part has come true. I have no husband or kids. I do have a dog though. I guess that’s progress. Almost every day I feel alone. I feel entrapped in my life of solitude and independence. I was taught to be independent and do things on my own. Sadly, I wasn’t taught how to share or do it with others. As a result of this, my achievements, successes, and happy moments have always been alone and behind closed doors. I’ve never truly had anyone to share my intimates with, my life. I’d like to change that picture. I created my life and now I want to alter its course. After all, I am the author and protagonist.
In the future, I still see myself well off BUT now I’m with a life partner who is hot, has a nice humor, is romantic, and I have tons of good friends and loving people around me. I still attend galas and donate money but now I have more love in my life. I am happy. I am content. I have a loving, gorgeous, and romantic husband. We laugh together and spoil each other rotten. We complement each other well and we inspire each other. Our dogs are wonderful as well. They love running around in our big three bedroom, three and a half bathroom apartment in Donno-where. After about five years of marriage, my husband and I are contemplating children. We’ve saved up enough money to retire and are already living lavishly well. I want to give my husband four children. During the holidays, we’re always together. In fact, everyone celebrates the holidays at our place. Both of our families adore each other. At summer time, we’re away at our summer home. The children love playing in the ocean. They know they are loved and are happy. We are one big happy family- Me, my husband, our four children, and our four dogs.
There is an acute sense of resurrection I find from scraps of conversations I chance upon time and again. Conversations let adrift into space, uttered by souls who are ignorant of my existence, but speak as if it was all concocted for me, just for me.
Have you ever sat up and suddenly taken notice how mere words seem to exude the misty iridescence of sated hearts, like luminous inventories of graceful thoughts that pour out from beautiful minds? And as they tumble down, and alter the contours of your emotions and ordain your weather beaten spirit, you are nothing but humbled to be able to swallow the incredulous beauty of it all?
Tonight I am so wonderfully satiated, sitting here, wrapped up in a mustard yellow blanket that faintly emanates of a distilled willingness, to step into cobbled pathways that lead me to your fecund homes, engulfed with a rare serenity very few manage to find. And to return ever so redeemed, and ever so alive.
I am overwhelmed and bereft to say much, hence shall leave you with this: a fragment of my blessed heart, hoping it will reach your happiness stained windows and mirth lined walls, breeze in your kitchen and sprinkle you with silvery sunshine.
Sturdy imprints on my mind, in autumn touched sepia's hue.
I am waltzing tonight into a quaint land that’s known only by few.
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